Target 0089
by PinkLionness
Summary: When instigated to stop her work as a hit-man, Karen finds herself in NYC. However, when she meets the four brothers, she finds it harder each day to ignore everything she's worked so hard to run away from. **WARNINGS OF STRONG LANGUAGE AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT
1. Chapter 1

"How fucking dare you!" I slammed the door open. My eyes darted across the others in the room till I locked eyes with April. The green of her eyes contrasted the white as they widened with the sudden outburst. It made me madder. Acting surprised like she didn't know what she did. She knew.

My hand gripped the handle of the door. My chest strained as I struggled to get enough air. My eyes unfocused with a twitch and came back.

There was a part of me. A small part, mind you. A part of me said to back off, to calm down, to walk away. It whispered against the siren of anger in my head. I heard it though, I always hear it. The soft whisper. But I had already screamed. Already ripped the door open. Already had everyone's attention. I can't go back. I could, said the whisper. I can't, screamed the siren. The argument only made my eyes twitch again.

She opened her mouth to ask. I shut it with the slam of the door behind me. Her hand went to her chest and it made me grind my teeth. "You had no goddamn business, you miserable bitch."

At the hurled insult, Leonardo jumped off the couch and turned on me. His eyes glittered to warn me to watch my mouth. No wonder Raphael gets so goddamned worked up about his scoldings. Even his scolding is so egotistical it makes you want to kick him in the mouth.

No, said the whisper, that's your friend warning you to stop doing things you'll regret. The siren screamed curses and reminders of my fury. The siren won me over.

I curled my lip at Leonardo. "This is none of your goddamned business."

"It's beginning to be." He scowled, stepping closer to me. He didn't reach for his katanas this time. At least he trusted me that much. It didn't calm me one bit though.

I turned back on April who would bear the brunt of my fit. She still seemed confused, her eyes flickering about trying to solve what she had done wrong. It was so obvious. So fucking obvious. No one understood. Raph would. He always did.

"The phone number!" I screeched at her. She gasped and reached towards me with instant realization. Leo just scrunched up his snout with confusion. Didn't I tell him it was none of his business? Little bitch. Donatello, who had curled his legs up to him on the couch as soon as I burst in, softly reached out for Leo and whispered something that made Leo go "ah." April had probably told him. I bet she had bubbled on and on with a stupid fucking smile. He knew why I was mad. He was smart, as usual, and stayed out of the fight. I wondered if he had warned April. Told her not to do it. If he had, it had probably been too late.

"I-I thought. It would be good for you." She mumbled miserably, running her hand over her mouth. The trees could be swayed with a wind of my sudden fury. She thought it would be good for me? She can join Leo in the hall of arrogance. I belted out a note of anger with clenched fists that made everyone in the room jump.

"You thought it would be good for me? Good for me? Do you listen? Ever? At all? You had no fucking business. I didn't want to-I can't - I won't. Why would I. Why would I ever?" I felt my knees give out and I slumped to the floor, shaking. I could still see it. The way Peter had reached out his hand to me with such pity. The way his eyes had softened when he asked me how I was doing like some goddamned mental patient. The way he avoided everything I ever wanted to say to them. "You should-should have. You should have seen. Seen the way he looked at me."

"Oh, Karen." April came towards me with her arms open. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. My breath broke, and there didn't seem to be enough air in the open room.

 _No. No pity. No more pity. Please. Please, I'm begging you._

The minute I felt her hand on my shoulder, I scrambled away towards the table. I grasped the chair to pull myself up and stay standing. I stared at the chipped paint, and all I could see was his face. All I could see was the pity. I clamped my mouth shut. No crying. Not here. I took a deep, broken breath. I tried so hard to get away from that pity. I had succeeded. And she had ruined it. Because she thought she was doing me a shitting favor.

"Karen, please." Her voice brought the anger back. My tears stung as I pressed my eyes closed and gripped the chair till my knuckled ached. When I opened them, they fell on Casey's empty beer bottle on the table. I stared at it. Where was Raphael? I flashed my eyes over the den, careful to not make eye contact with Leo or Don. Donatello instantly knew who I was looking for.

"He went to grab food with Mike and Case." He murmured, picking at the color on his bo staff. What a good boy. Staying out of this. Raphael probably could have stopped the escalation, but he wasn't here. Too bad. My fury was building like a power move.

"Maybe, this can help you move through it." April had her hands together as if in prayer. Maybe a prayer I would calm down. Or that someone would hold me down. Was she really still trying to mother me out of this? What a goddamn fucking miserable - my hand grasped the top of the beer bottle - piece of shit. She was going to pay. I slammed the bottom of the bottle over the edge of the table, creating a jagged glass circle in the middle. The glass dribbled on the floor with pings and clinks that reminded me of gunshots. It almost soothed me. Almost. I turned and pointed the makeshift weapon at her. Her face was white, and Leo was already halfway across the room towards me.

I just stood there while he snatched it out of my hand. I knew I couldn't best him. My whisper held me still for long enough for him to grab my arm and snarl in my face. "You need to leave. Now."

He was right. I needed to leave. And so I did.

Within an hour, I was staring out a window at my terminal. I glanced down at my ticket. My blood had simmered down. I took a deep, unshaken breath and looked back outside. I squeezed my overnight back between my legs. It would be easy to send for everything else. This is good. This is right. It was time to leave. It was best for me. Best for them. Best for Raph.

I felt my phone buzz on my foot. I pulled it out of the side pocket and scrolled through the notifications. Raphael must have gotten back soon after the fight because texts were streaming in from not long after I left.

 _"Are you okay?"_ He hated texting, but he hated misspellings more. I was convinced it came from Michelangelo sending every text with nothing but abbreviations and emojis. _"Hmu lmao leo ko raph rn XD XD XD"_ was the text Mike had sent me earlier that morning.

I kept scrolling as the texts got more frantic, and it build a tight knot in my stomach.

 _"Karen?"_ Followed by two missed calls.

 _"Are you at the usual place?"_ Another two missed calls.

 _"I'm here. I don't see you."_ Three missed calls.

 _"Please just tell me you're okay."_ Two missed calls.

 _"I'm at your place. The lights are off."_ Four missed calls.

 _"Please."_

 _"I can't find you."_ Nine missed calls.

As I read the last one that immediately popped up as I finished, I felt my body convulse. I gripped the phone between my hands and watched my vision blur. I quickly covered my mouth to hide a breathy wail as tears finally escaped and my body shook. A person sitting across from me looked up with sudden sympathy but didn't move. I couldn't stop it. It was already here. I pressed the phone to my chest as I brought my knees up and hid my face towards my lap, my hand still grasping my mouth to stop the noise. I kept shaking. I kept sobbing. I kept breaking everything.

 _"Karen, I'm scared."_


	2. Chapter 2

_One year earlier…_

"I don't need help." I scowled fiercely. I had been doing missions on my own for two years now. Why did I suddenly need a partner? Normally, I would instantly turn down a client that insisted on a partner, but this government agency shit was worth a lot of money. And maybe some protection.

He scowled too, detailing the wrinkles around his mouth. His hand came and fiddled with the sunglasses on his face. What a dick, wearing sunglasses indoors. The old song came to mind which almost made me smile. "I disagree. I understand you are one of the best. At distance protection. But, in this case, there is a possibility for close targets."

"You know I normally work with sniper rifles? From rooftops. I don't think I've ever made so much as eye contact with a target." I crossed my legs, scratching at the stiff slacks I had put on. This was also uncommon for a client to meet face-to-face. It was a government agency, however, so it didn't seem outrageous. I was more surprised I was being hired for a transportation rather than a hit.

"I am fully aware. You were specifically requested." The agent seemed disappointed in the target's selection. "And you won't be needing to kill any specific person. Just anyone who threatens the safe arrival of your target. She is very important to this case, mind you."

"If she wasn't, I don't think I would be needed." I sighed, leaning back on the couch. I closed my eyes and mentally counted the money I would get for this job. It kept me from walking out that damned door.

"Right, and we wouldn't need your partner either."

"I told you, I don't have one."

"It can easily be arranged. What kind would you like?"

I pondered this. It was obvious I was going to have to work with someone. If I got first pick, at least that was preferable to a complete grab bag choice. Or even this douchebag's. I spoke slowly, carefully choosing my words. "I need someone who can spot. If we want to avoid physical combat, I want someone who can watch my close distance and give me details on where to shoot while I watch the far distance. But, if physical combat is necessary, they need to be skilled and quick at taking them out if there are as many threats as you believe. I have handguns for close distance, but that can be dangerous when allies are close by. They also need to be able to be extremely stealthy. I mean extremely. It would even be preferable if their presence wasn't even known by any potential threats."

"So." The agent took his sunglasses off and cleaned them on his shirt. I instantly prefered them on. Not a looker. The awkward receding hairline that made the middle part of his hair look like it was pointing right at his slanted nose. The sunglasses hid that just enough. "You want someone who's stealthy, detailed, skilled at close combat, and observant?"

I nodded while I processed his list to make sure it covered everything. It covered everything I could think of.

"I think I have four candidates." He grinned slyly. I didn't like it. I looked at his hand for a wedding band. Empty. I was almost disappointed. I wanted to imagine what kind of person enjoyed seeing this man walking in the front door every evening. Either a saint or someone that was a twisted as he seemed. "I'll make arrangements to see if I can have them here. If more than one can come, have a way to test them. I only have the budget for one more."

"Test them?" I scrunched my nose. Back to my teaching days, I suppose. I counted the money one last time for good measure to my motivation. "Can't you just tell me which one is the best?"

"Not even they could tell you that." He chuckled and stood from his chair. He looked down at me, waiting for me to also stand. I stood slowly to make sure he knew I wasn't in the business of impressing anyone outside of my aiming skills. He squinted at the bookshelf in the corner. "Then again, they would probably just argue about it."

"Like siblings, I suppose." I sighed. What kind of people did he have lined up? Didn't sound mature enough to me. But, I would have to see. Ten thousand dollars. Twenty thousand dollars. Thirty thousand dollars… My motivation slowly returned with my counting.

He laughed loudly. "Exactly."

He walked over to the door and opened it. Wordlessly showing me out of his office. As I stepped into the doorframe, he rattled on the plan. "As I said before, I'll arrange to see if they're available. I'll call you when I hear back. It should be no later than two days, if I'm correct. In the meantime, be prepared to test which one you would like to work with. Make it thorough. You'll probably end up splitting hairs trying to choose between them."

...fifty thousand. Sixty thousand. He offered me his hand. "It was a pleasure meeting you...Mrs. Gordon."

My spine stiffened. My blood went cold. Was it fear? No. Just. Regret, remorse, pain. But I couldn't show a client that. I took his hand firmly and quickly to hide the small tremor. "It's. It's just Karen, please."

"Of course. Of course, my apologies." He almost sounded self satisfied. I walked stiffly out the door and down the long hallway until I heard the door click shut. I let my spine relax and slump a bit. I took a deep breath, and, as I breathed out, stuffed every emotion down a very long drain pipe I kept in my brain just for these occasions. My left hand fiddled with his business card he had given me beforehand.

I stopped in front of the elevator where a janitor had already pressed the down button. I took the opportunity to hold the card up and study it. Simple. Plain white with only his name and affiliation on it. "You'll hear from me," he had said. "This is just a friendly reminder of who I am."

I ran my finger over the raised writing. _"Agent Bishop. Earth Protection Force."_


	3. Chapter 3

A day later, I had my test planned. It required some fighting with Agent Bishop to get set up.

"It sounds like it'll cost money." He sneered into the phone. I could almost see the hairline scrunch with his forehead wrinkles. I could smell his slimy soul through the speaker.

"You told me to be thorough. I'm being thorough. It would cost more to hire all four." I offered the rebuttal. He sighed with instant defeat. I was right. I usually am. "Are all four coming?"

"No. Three are. One of them had something going on and didn't seem to have need for the money. I can't imagine why not." The last sentence edged with suspicion. So these were people Bishop expected to need money. My impression so far consisted of bickering poor children. Not good. I counted. "They'll be in my office tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Can you have the field prepared by then?" I didn't mask my shock. My request wasn't difficult. It was, however, extremely specific. It required some materials. And lot's of them.

"Karen. This agency has no lack of resources to acquire your...preparations. Just be prepared to meet them tomorrow. They won't be exactly what you expect. They're….special." That was the most sincere I had heard this man be. To be fair, we had only spoken for probably two hours tops. But nothing about him seemed sincere so I was a bit taken aback.

"I've seen some weird things in my line of work. It would take something really special to surprise me." I spoke curtly. I wasn't lying. There was no stereotypical client for hitmen. People were usually more surprised by me than I was them. I once had a lady try to call me a "hitwoman." I told her hitman would do just fine. Personally, I always thought it helped me evade suspicion during investigations. Or maybe I'm just that good. A heavy leaning on the latter would be ideal to me.

"You might get that tomorrow." Bishop chuckled. He sounded like he wanted to bet on it. I wondered if he was a gambling man. It wouldn't be far from the mark. "See you at ten p.m. sharp tomorrow. My office."

He hung up. I sighed and put my phone in my pocket. I grabbed the remote from my coffee table before slumping down into my couch. Fuck preparing, I was going to drink an entire bottle of wine and watch a psychological thriller. Except. I groaned. I drained my last bottle of wine earlier that day.

"Here to see Agent Bishop." I said to the small woman behind the rounded glass desk. Her cat eye makeup looked like it could cut my throat. Her deep red lips opened slightly as she looked up at me. Ah, shit. I smiled sheepishly with a slight squirm.

"Yes, of course, dear. He'll be out soon. The others are already here, I believe he's talking to them first. Shouldn't be long." She smiled and winked at me. My face burned slightly. I just nodded silently with a smile and turned away quickly to take a chair. I chose one where I felt like she couldn't see the jump of color in my cheeks. She was busy calling Bishop to let him know of my arrival, thankfully.

I wasn't sitting for more than ten minutes before the phone beeped and the small woman told me to head to his office. I thanked her before scampering away and down the hall. I knocked firmly on Bishop's door. Three formal knocks. My first impression always aims to be in control. And it was going to especially be so for someone who was going to follow my orders.

Bishop opened the door, standing in the crack and hiding any glimpse I hoped to catch of these candidates. "Come in, Karen."

He stepped aside, and surprised I was. I must have not done a good job of hiding it because Bishop's face instantly lit with a smug smirk. There was two human sized turtles on the couch. Oh, wait, there was a third one standing by the bookshelf, his arms crossed as he studied me. I wondered how much information Bishop could find on me.

"You didn't mention them being furries." I hissed quietly at him. I kept my breathing slow. It's stupid, I know, but I hated mascots. Nothing against it, a family trip to Disney World as a child scarred me because I was never the same after that. I mentally reminded myself I killed people for a living and a person in a animal suit wasn't going to bring me down.

Bishop went into a hysterical laughing fit. He grabbed the table by the door, rattling the lamp that sat on it. I glanced up at the three turtles who had turned to stare at the sudden noise. The one by the bookshelf, he wore a blue mask, hadn't taken his eyes off me. The other two, orange and red masks, just stared at Bishop in confusion. He struggled to calm himself, breathing for a few seconds. He turned to the three turtles. "She thought you were furries."

The orange one smiled at me and winked. "Nah, girl, this is my real skin. Want to feel?"

"Uhm, no. Thanks." I blushed furiously, ashamed. He didn't have to tell them what I said. God dammit. So much for control. I coughed. "That's not why we're here."

"Mutants." The red one barked at me. I looked over at him. He squinted at me with a grumpy frown.

"I beg your-"

"We're mutants." The blue one sighed from the corner, tapping one of three fingers on his forearm. An extremely muscular forearm. What the fuck was this. Was this a joke? I suddenly noticed the two katana blade handles peeking up from behind his shell. "We're also ninjas. Told you needed our assistance. One of ours, at least."

"This is Michelangelo" - the orange one waved at me enthusiastically - "Raphael" - the red one grunted, turning away - "and Leonardo." The blue one made a slight bow at me. I nodded back, unsure if I was supposed to bow instead. He seemed satisfied though as he turned back to Bishop. "They are the candidates. The fourth, Donatello, didn't care to join."

During these introductions, i took the chance to regather myself and create a controlled temperament. Students, I told myself, treat them like students.

"I'm Karen. It's nice to meet you." I smiled, but only slightly. "I'm sure Agent Bishop told you the details of the transportation mission, and that he can only afford one more pair of hands on board. I'm here to choose which one that will be. You'll be working with me, and I have very strict requirements. I have prepared a test to look at how compatible we are. We're going to have to be in order to succeed."

"Yes." Bishop cut in. I still felt rattled by his choice in candidates. He was paying good money, though, so I expected them to be good at what I needed. Whatever the matter, they would be tested beforehand. Thank god. "We're going to move to the practice room for field agents to test you."

"Am I going to get to shoot a gun?" The orange one - Michelangelo - giggled at Raphael.

"I sure as hell hope not. You'll kill us all." Raphael snapped at him. I expected Michelangelo to react with hurt at the comment, but he just laughed and grabbed Raphael's arm. "Not even sure yer finger would fit on the trigger."

"Yours wouldn't either then!" Michelangelo protested. Leonardo stepped over and hissed something at them making Michelangelo clamp his mouth shut.

"You won't be shooting." I responded as Bishop gathered some file folders off his desk and started for the door. I followed behind him. "I will. And you'll tell me where to shoot."

"She'll explain more, momentarily. Let's get down there. I have more than this today." Bishop hummed as he walked down the hall, the four of us in tow. Gambling? I would gamble on it. I smirked quickly at my own joke.

Suddenly, Michelangelo was walking beside me. He offered me his large three fingered hand. "Hey, thought I'd introduce myself, Battle Nexus Champion and all. You know. The best."

I politely shook it and looked up at him. "I have no idea what a Battle Nexus is."

Michelangelo grinned excitedly and took a deep breath. Bishop kept walking, ignoring all of us. "Well, there's this planet-"

"God dammit!" Raphael was now on the other side of Michelangelo, dragging him backwards. "Yer about to have to put another ten in the BNC jar, ya dickweed."

"I have to apologize for my brothers." Leonardo was walking stoically on my other side. He smiled politely at me, I smiled back. The other two were bickering about money in a jar on my right. "They get excited easily. Especially Michelangelo."

"I can tell." I nodded, avoiding eye contact with the small woman behind the desk as we passed by. Bishop was still walking forwards without a care for us. "Brothers?"

"Yes, Bishop didn't give you a lot of details about us, did he?" Leonardo hummed with dissatisfaction. I instantly felt guilty. I wonder if he was thinking about the look on my face when I had walked into the office.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"No, we're used to it. It's just like him to want to shock people like that." He frowned then smiled at me. At the moment, I wanted him on this mission despite the test. He seemed calm and centered. I always believed impressions meant a lot. Maybe not everything. But a lot. And right now, Michelangelo was too excitable and ditsy while Raphael was gruff and bad a communication. But. I had promised to do this test.

"Aw, don't let him butter you up!" Michelangelo protested from my left. I turned back to him, and with surprise found him talking to me through a headlock. We were stopped at the elevator at this point. The back one I never got to take. Leonardo pinched Raphael who huffed and let Michelangelo go. "He wants the money just as much as the rest of us!"

"You know we promised to split it." Leonardo snapped impatiently. We stepped into the elevator. Bishop was flipping through papers.

"Yeah, but winner gets the most!"

"Yeah, well, winner has to tramp through some malaria infested jungle." Raphael leaned on the railing. The elevator shifted and started downward.

"Don't let Donatello scare you, he promised to grab some immunizations for us." Leonardo argued with an eye roll. His shell bumped the back of the elevator as it began to stop. We all started to step forward, but Bishop held out a hand.

"Not this stop." He huffed. Two other agents stood in the doorway when it opened, but Bishop shook their head at them as they gawked at the brothers. Raphael made a noise and seemed to attempt to shift out of eyesight. Used to it, huh? "Sorry, wait for the next one."

The doors shut and we kept moving down. How far down were we going? The other brothers seemed to notice Raphael's reaction to the attention and quieted down. None of them reached to him or spoke. I assumed he'd probably just snap at them if he did. Hah, snapping turtle. Was that racist? Specist? I frowned. It was at least rude.

After a good ten minutes of traveling downward, the elevator slowed, and Bishop started to approach the door. The light above the buttons read B4. I guess it did make sense for training to be below ground. We stepped into a small room with a flickering fluorescent light and one other door and a window that showed only blackness. The walls were lined with bullet proof vests and lockers I could only assume held the training weapons. Should have brought my own, I suddenly realized. Too late now.

Bishop turned to us with a twisted smile. "Welcome to the training facility. Through that door is the room Karen will be testing you one at a time in. We can watch through that window. Let's begin!"


	4. Chapter 4

I don't know how I didn't think of it before we got down to the room, but turns out, bullet proof vests don't fit very well when you have a shell.

"They have to have something." I turned to Bishop, concerned. Wouldn't do much good if they got hit first day. He just shrugged and smiled. The counting wasn't helping much anymore. I turned back to the boys. Michelangelo had gotten his around his shell and was breathing in to zip it up.

"Like a corset!" He beamed at his brothers who just stared at him with confusion and irritation.

"Wait!" I threw up a hand. Watching him had given me an idea. "Wear two. One like Michelangelo has on now, and one facing backwards."

I walked up and grabbed a second one and walked towards Michelangelo. "Hold your arms out." He obeyed, and I slipped it over him, having it cover his plastron. He winked at me. I frowned.

"I like you dressing me up." He flirted. I jumped backwards into Leonardo who was scowling at his brother.

"Edging on sexual harassment, Mikey." He chided. He looked down at me. "He means no harm. But it's still inappropriate."

I nodded shyly, and turned to see Raphael putting on his vests like I had demonstrated. He was somewhat larger so he looked even stiffer that Mikey. "How are we s'pposed to move around like this?"

"It won't matter too much." I noted. "Part of your job will be to scout close targets for me. I do better spotting further threats. So my test is also practice. I'm going to go blinded, and you're each going to take turns telling me where to shoot. You'll measure based on a clock." I motioned for them to come closer which they did. I portrayed the watch on my wrist. "Like this. We are always at the center, and our targets are located around us at each time stamp. Sounds simple enough, but I want it down to the minute." I slowly turned my watch from 10:30 to 10:00. "See how the hour hand still moves? So if you say ten thirty, I'll shoot right between ten and eleven. So accuracy in your scouting skills is key."

"We're just scouts?" Raphael seemed slightly offended.

I shook my head. "I need you because not just for scouting, but hand-to-hand combat. My specialty is guns. But in a situation where allies are mixed in with the threats, a handgun poses more danger than help. You'll be a scout and a guard. I'm testing you on scouting because I need an extreme special ability on that one whereas beating people up, I don't care as much how you do it as long as you can punch one out."

"Now we're talking." Raphael smiled widely and cracked his knuckles. He might be growing on me.

"To clarify, for Karen as well," Bishop spoke up, "We've designed this training room to be in a circle with targets that will move. The speed can be adjusted. They also will measure to my tablet whether they hit and where. The program can do statistics on hit-miss percentage and accuracy on each hit."

"Perfect." I turned to them. "I'm not arrogant, but I don't miss. So any miss is on your account."

They nodded as I pulled a pair of sunglasses out of my back pocket. I got to wear jeans today, thank god. "These, will completely block my vision so there is no part on my instinct, only your command. The only thing left is to decide who goes first."

* * *

"These are not the results I expected at all." I murmured as I rubbed my chin. Bishop held out the tablet in front of me. We were in the supply room while the boys waited in the training room. The mission was in two days so a decision was going to happen as soon as possible. "Based on their personalities, I know that sounds ridiculous, but I at least expected Leonardo to be the last one I disqualified if at all."

"Yeah, that surprised me too, actually. And I've fought them a couple times." Bishop shrugged, but seemed indifferent.

"You fought them?"

"Yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, Leonardo is out." He flicked his finger across the screen, swiping Leonardo's stats off the screen. The other two expanded to make easy comparison between Michelangelo and Raphael.

"Michelangelo had a lower hit rate, but was more accurate when there was a hit. And the hit rate isn't significantly lower." I hummed, thinking out loud. "But Raphael wasn't significantly less accurate either, its a fraction of a difference on both."

"Remember, I don't have all day." Bishop sighed and I felt myself bristle a bit in irritation.

"Just a minute more. In the mission, an actual hit matters more. As long as we can disable them or knock them off course, it's a benefit. I would rather hit more and kill less than hit less and kill more. And I think I'd prefer Raphael's personality to Michelangelo." I sighed, with exasperation. It wasn't just the flirting, he seemed too...bright. And cheery. Those are the kinds of clients I always have backing out at the last second. I tend to turn people like that down. And I would feel a bit of remorse if he came out all twisted and emotionally scarred.

"So you'll take Raphael then." He locked the tablet screen and looked down at me through his sunglasses. God dammit. Did this man ever take those things off other than to clean them?

"Yes, I think he's the best choice."

"Great! I'll let them know and be on my way. Be prepared to leave tomorrow so we can have you in Venezuela by the next day. Not a long flight, but a bit of a drive to the pick up location. Be in the lobby by nine p.m. sharp."

I nodded. "Should I go in too?"

"Well, yeah, sure." He seemed like he wanted me gone as soon as possible, but I was going to stick around to tell them whether he liked it or not.

Bishop opened the door and the boys looked up. Raphael was taking pictures of the targets with his phone while Leonardo sat calmly on a chair and Michelangelo paced around the room. Without hesitation, Bishop flatly said, "We'll be taking Raphael on the trip."

Raphael grinned and pointed at Leonardo. "EAT SHIT!"

Leonardo rolled his eyes as he stood up. Michelangelo looked a bit defeated, but shrugged and patted Raphael's shell. "Have fun getting eaten by mosquitos."

"Yer just jealous." Raphael sneered before Leonardo pinched them both. Raphael snorted but looked over at me. "When do we leave?"

"Tomorrow." Bishop gave Raphael the same speech as he did me about where to be.

"You got a packing list or somethin?" Raphael asked, looking a bit taken aback. I took it that Bishop didn't tell them where this place was.

"No." Bishop scowled.

"I'll send you one." I offered. I pulled out my phone. "Give me your number, I'll text you what I have listed for out of country missions."

"You do this a lot, don't you?" Raphael asked curiously, opening his phone. We traded and I put my phone number in his before he handed me back his phone.

"Yeah, but that's not any concern." I said, suddenly short. "I'll text you later. But, I got to go. Still got a lot to get done. I'll see you tomorrow."

I nodded to Bishop who wasn't even looking at me. As the doors to the elevator closed behind me, I heard Michelangelo teasing Raphael about having a girls phone number followed by Raphael cursing and threatening. It almost made me feel nostalgic. Almost.


	5. Chapter 5

It had been an uneventful eight hour plane ride from New York to Caracas. Raphael had been rather quiet and carrying only a small duffle bag. I mean, I get guys usually don't pack a lot, but the list I had texted him was rather extensive. I realized he didn't wear clothes. It made me spend half the flight wondering if he was actually considered naked or not. We couldn't talk on the plane, privately at least. It was a tiny passenger airplane that barely had enough room to sit Raphael and I side-by-side behind the pilot. I wasn't sure how secure it was to talk over the intercom system so I kept conversation polite and short.

I showed Raphael a map of Venezuela to indicate our landing area in Caracas and drive to Aragua about an hour and half out. He had nodded without a word and gone back to texting on his enlarged phone. I managed to catch a glimpse and see he was texting "Don" who I could only assume to be the missing brother Donatello I hadn't yet met. It was something about malaria and Don assuring him it was safe. That was the extent of our contact on the plane ride.

We landed in a remote field just off the coast where a large off roader jeep was waiting with a driver inside. I thought it might be safe to assume Bishop would ensure secure personnel to transport us; they were allowing Raphael to be seen by them. I moved my overly large camping backpack into the jeep trunk and sat in the back beside Raphael. He had kept his duffle bag in his lap. There was a glass partition between us and the driver, I noticed. This seemed to secure Raphael enough to strike up a nervous conversation.

"You - uh - you do this a lot?" He was fidgeting with the straps on his bag.

"Come here? No. If you're referring to the risk of malaria, just keep some bug spray close. You did get some vaccinations, right?"

His eyes flashed at me at the mention of malaria catching on to the fact that I had seen his earlier conversation with his brother. I was a hitman, it was part of my job to know things. "My brother gave me some, yeah. But I mean do you do work like this a lot?"

I wondered how safe vaccinations his brother somehow got a hold of were, but it wasn't my concern. It seemed like they had to live pretty hidden lives so maybe they had adapted pretty well. "Actually, no. I'm usually hired for hits. Kills. I usually just use a sniper. Sometimes a different weapon with a set up or something if the client wants it to look accidental or even like an assault. But this is my first transportation. Bishop said I was requested by someone. It was a lot of money so I took it."

"It is a lot of money." Raphael mumbled, still fidgeting. He looked at me with curiosity flashing in his gold eyes. "What's your body count?"

I laughed. "Oh, I couldn't recall if I wanted to. If I had to guess, probably getting up close to two hundred."

He looked impressed. "I probably haven't hit a hundred yet. Leo says we're not supposed to kill unless necessary. But, sometimes it happens. Sometimes I get a little rough."

"I mean, you're quite large. I feel like I can safely say getting a little rough wouldn't be hard."

"S'not." He shook his head and looked slightly upset at the thought. "What made ya start to do this?"

"Ah." I went a bit cold in my chest. I pinched my arm casually as I stuffed it back down. "I don't get into that. Got to be a little private, right?"

"Yeah, makes sense." He seemed satisfied as he began looking around us at the moving brush. We were taking a dirt road so unused that the occasional bunch of leaves or vine would intrude through the open roof. "It's nice and warm down here."

I nodded. I assumed being a turtle, he probably enjoyed that more than he was letting on. I let my curiosity get the best of me. "Can I ask you something? About being a mutant turtle?"

"I guess." He shuffled his feet, probably thinking I was going to ask something embarrassing like how his dick worked. It made me wonder how his dick worked. Dammit.

"Are you cold-blooded or warm-blooded?"

He instantly relaxed a bit, I would save the dick question till maybe forever. I was curious, but nowhere near letting that one come out. He hummed. "Don explained it once, but I'm not sure I could really word it right. Kind of both? We still prefer warmth and shit, but we're not as sensitive as a normal turtle would be. We certainly don't have to hide out till it's warm again. But it's not the most comfortable thing, the winter. Especially in New York City."

"Makes sense." I nodded. "So you really like this down here? Especially with fall coming in?"

"Yeah." He smirked looking away at the trees. A colorful bird flitted around the branches making obnoxious noises. "It feels real nice here."

"I used to really like the fall coming in." I mused unconsciously. "The summers were so damn hot I couldn't wait for the cold."

"Where are you from?" He looked over at me.

I shrugged. It wasn't a secret. "I'm from Atlanta. It was nice there. But I just couldn't stand the heat anymore."

"You don't sound like you're from the South." His eyes were suspicious.

"What like you sound like a goddamn mobster from a black-and-white film?" He barked a laugh at my comment. "It's such a mixing pot in Atlanta, you'd never know. I grew up in the city, not a farm. I might note you're the only one of your brothers that sounds like you're from New York."

He accepted this with a shrug. We spent the rest of the car ride comparing Atlanta to New York with his obvious agenda of trying to prove his city was better than mine. It turned out to be a very personal choice much to his dismay.

The more we chatted the more uncomfortable I got with myself. I hadn't even realized how long it had been since I had had a genuinely friendly conversation with someone. It wasn't that I didn't want friends. It was just that in my line of work, you don't really have coworkers, and it's not something you bring up when chatting someone up at the bar. It was hard making friends when you worked weird hours and couldn't talk about what you did with most of your time or where all your money came from.

We began to approach an open field with tents and people in uniform populating the area. The vehicles that were around the tents had medical crosses on them. They would obviously be noticed by any enemies that were looking for a vehicle transporting valuable medical supplies. As we pulled into the area, a women in a camouflage uniform approach and asked our driver for identification. He showed her and she was satisfied, waving us on in. She gaped at Raphael who I looked over to find shrunken back into his seat with embarrassment.

I unconsciously patted his arm then got overly embarrassed as he looked over at me with confusion. It had just reminded me so much of...no, not here, not now. We were here on a job, I couldn't let personal life shit get in the way. The jeep stopped and an officer came over.

"So glad you could make it." He seemed unaffected by Raphael's appearance. He was either informed beforehand or just really good at masking his surprise. His face was so inexpressive, I couldn't tell. "Please get your things and follow me."

I grabbed my backpack from the trunk and slipped it on my back. I noticed Raphael was clinging a bit close to me. Standing off, but waiting for my presence to follow the officer before he did. We walked through the camp with the officer.

"As you already know, you'll be transporting some supplies to an area where some militant citizens don't want supplies going. They are undergoing arrests by the federal government, but with them being so unorganized, it can be hard to tell who's who when trying to gather them up. Doesn't help when the feds don't really care either." The officer rambled for a bit about the governmental situation in the country. I noticed every soldier who passed by us looking at Raphael who looked like he wanted to self implode. His hands furled and unfurled over his duffel bag he was holding in front of him. He caught my eye and I just smiled gently. I mouthed 'bitches' at him, making him smirk. "So anyways, you'll be protecting one of our doctors to the area to treat some new disease we're trying to prevent from spreading around the country and around the world by extension."

We had now approached a larger tent which the officer held the flap open for us. We walked into an area with a large table obviously used for meetings.

"The doctor asked for you, specifically." The officer nodded at me. My mind started racing. How did this doctor know me? All clients knew to never contact me again after the job was done. I was nearly impossible to find unless you happen to know the exact people. People who really want my services tend to know these people.

"Hi, Karen." I turned around and immediately felt a panic attack rising in my lungs. My knees must have buckled a little bit because Raphael pulled me back up to my full height with a question of genuine concern whispered at me. I didn't really register the exact words, but it sounded concerned. How the hell did Vanessa find me?


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm sorry." Vanessa whispered as I stared hard at the jungle just above the jeep console. We had left for the village. Vanessa drove with me in the passenger seat and Raphael in the back who had fallen asleep. We had been gone for nearly twelve hours, and I'm sure he was worn out from not sleeping the night before. The sun had come out in full strength, beaming down through the branches and creating a muggy feeling that contrasted the nice cool morning it had been. "I didn't mean to stalk you per se, but it kind of happened. And I kind of needed a bodyguard."

"How did you even hear about me?" I muttered, still bitter. Raphael had managed to sit me down and cool my sudden panic earlier in the tent, but it didn't smother my anger. Sneaking around and getting to me through a government agency. Bullshit. "You really have to know a small circle of specific people."

"I, uhm, had a friend with a husband who wasn't...great. Terrible, awful really. But he was big money with people everywhere, and she knew she couldn't get away quietly. So she found you and you saved her life by taking his." She spoke quietly and sadly. She took a deep shaking breath. "I hadn't seen her since she married him. She was so happy, and then she vanished without a word. He basically owned her. She saved up her allowance from him till she could afford you. I was the first person she ran to. We were best friends growing up. But some of his men found her, and took her out. They didn't care to know if she really did it, they mainly just didn't want her telling anyone things about him. So they got rid of her."

"I couldn't tell you which one that was." I leaned back. "Nearly a quarter of my clients are women with abusive, rich husbands. Or sometimes the other way around. It happens. More often than I care for it too."

"Why are you doing this?" She looked at me, hard. Raphael snored loudly. "This is...nothing. Like anything you dreamed of doing. Or were doing."

"I went too deep." I mumbled. "I fell off my rocker, went too deep, got found, and had to keep it up. Simple, really."

"No, no it's not." Vanessa scowled. Her words jumped with the sudden jump over a tree root. "You could've come back. No one blamed you for what you did. I mean know one _really_ knows it was you, but they know it was you. At most, you would've gone to a mental institute for a while. But you probably could've used it."

I grunted with frustration. She didn't really get it. She was trying, but she didn't. "You haven't told Peter, have you?"

"No, he was really distraught after you disappeared." Her hands tightened over the steering wheel and her eyes grew dark. Was that jealousy in the corners of her scowl? "I didn't want to upset him. Besides, he's doing well. Having fun at home with Kylee. She's almost four now, you know."

I smiled gently. Kylee had been so cute when she was born. Peter swore she looked just like him, but I knew she looked like Vanessa. She knew it too. "I always had a feeling he would love to just be a dad."

Vanessa snorted. "I'm just grateful for it. I wouldn't get to do stuff like this if it wasn't for him. God forbid I have to leave her with his mother."

"Why not a sitter or nanny?"

"You know she'd never let that happen."

I couldn't help but laugh. It was true, she wouldn't. I could barely stand the woman when I saw her on the occasional school event. I couldn't imagine being her step-daughter. The car was quiet. Raphael was still asleep, from what I could tell in the rearview mirror, but he had stopped snoring.

"I need to be honest, Karen." Vanessa let out a long sigh and took a large breath. "I looked into you after I heard about you from my friend. Not just to find you, but I heard some stories. I know a lot of the jobs you've done. I think...I think you should stop."

"Vanessa, you know-"

"Listen to me. You need to stop. I lied. For you. There's no threat. None that any of those soldiers couldn't have handled anyways. I put my job on the line to find you. And talk to you. Because I want you to stop. You don't have to come back. You don't have to talk to any of us. Just, get a normal job. Be a normal woman. Worry about turning thirty in two years, not getting caught staging a stabbing of some woman's abusive husband."

"I don't have the means, V. I appreciate the nicely paid job, easy job. But, this will only hold me over for a couple months, I'd be surprised if it lasted me a year. Living in New York City isn't affordable. I'm not even going to use the word cheap. That's a gross understatement."

"I know." Vanessa was quiet for a few minutes. "That's why. I have a gift for you. When we get there. There will be a helicopter to pick you up and take you back to the plane. You won't be escorting me back as planned. I've decided to stay in the village for a few months, and they can't afford the two of you for that long." She looked at Raphael in the rearview mirror.

"I'll show it to you. And if you take it, you have to promise to find a normal job. And quit killing for a living. It's not healthy."

"Fine. I don't think you can convince me. But fine. I'll look at it."

The car was quiet again. Raphael snored again.

"Who is this guy?" Vanessa hissed at me. "Actually, what is this guy?"

I sighed with exhaustion. I was glad he wasn't awake to hear that and spiral into another shame sulk. "That's Raphael. He's a mutant turtle. And he'd like you not to notice that."

"What am I supposed to notice? How am I not supposed to notice that he's green and a turtle?" She hissed with excitement.

"I think he'd rather you notice he's a ninja. With some hella good spotting skills." I shrugged. "That's why they sent him with me. I do distance, he does near. Balance it out. You called me to be a bodyguard, but that's not really my specialty. I'm sure you know that."

"It won't be much longer." Vanessa frowned. I frowned back. I stopped talking to her after that.

Within a few hours, we rolled up on a small, hilly village. The people waved with excitement at the jeep and began running down in hoards to meet us. The drive had been uneventful. And Raphael had slept the whole damn time. Some use he was, sleeping on the job. Even if there was no job. I sighed.

"Stay here for just a moment while I greet the leader and introduce us. I'll explain...Raphael to them as best as possible. I've been learning their language for the past few months, but I don't think there's a direct translation for his...case." She climbed out of the vehicle and approached a stoic woman who was eyeing us down as her people swarmed around her like bees. Her dark skin contrasted the white feathers that adorned her neck and head. It almost felt angelic. She greeted Vanesssa with the dip of her head and intently listened to Vanessa's introduction. I prepared to exit with seriousness and respect.

I heard Raphael lean forward in his seat towards me. "Almost thirty, huh?"

"You motherfucker."


	7. Chapter 7

The visit to the village had been uneventful. Well, uneventful in the lack of danger. Rather eventful with the kids who loved Raphael. They kept calling him something I couldn't quite reproduce, and Vanessa told me they were calling him "turtle man" in their language. They climbed him like a jungle gym. He had objected gently at first, but eventually was swinging them around and laughing. It was interesting how their lack of knowledge outside their village made them more tolerable towards Raph than anyone else had been to this point save the general. That man was a brick wall though so I didn't count it.

Within a few hours, they had a plane in the area for us. A few kids got wound up about that, but the rest were still on Raph. I was putting his sias in the back of the jeep since some of the kids seemed to think they were toys and he couldn't detach enough of them to put them away. Vanessa left a group of adults and came up to me.

"Come with me, before you go." She walked towards the jeep. Oh, right, the gift. I had almost forgotten. She uncovered a case in the back of the jeep and handed it to me. "Open it."

Vanessa watched me closely as I undid the clasps and cracked it opened. It was wads of bills. A shit ton of wads. Wads of hundreds. "Wha-what the fuck, V."

"Take it." She looked me in the eye. Her face was strained with control.

"Where the hell did you get this!" I demanded slamming the case shut and starting to throw it back in the jeep. "That's too much. I can't. I can't take that."

"Don't worry about it, but I can't have it. I've been hiding it. It'd be better off with you." Vanessa grabbed the case and shoved it back into my arms. "I can't have it. Trust me. Please take it. It'll take a weight off me."

"What? The weight being me not doing my job anymore?" I snapped. I started to throw the case again, but she slammed her hands down on it, pressing the corners into my arms and making me cringe.

"No, having that money is hell, and it needs to go. You getting a different job is just a side effect."

"Where did it come from, V?"

"I said don't worry about it!" She snapped at me, shoving the case and, by extension, me. I looked at her as she shriveled back from me. "Just, please, take it."

"Fine. Fine, I'll take it." I scowled. I didn't want to admit it to her, but the thought of not killing anymore lifted a weight off me too. I liked my job, don't get me wrong, but only when I felt like I was helping someone. And the killing part wasn't exactly my favorite thing, but it was like a maze, the longer you go, the deeper in and more lost you are.

"Go, get on the plane." Vanessa muttered walking away. I saw Raphael eyeing us as he put the last kid on the ground. I made eye contact and nodded, but then I looked back at Vanessa.

"Don't tell Peter." I said as a farewell.

"I wasn't planning on it." She said barely within earshot as she walked back to the villagers.

Raphael had grabbed his and my stuff out of the jeep and walked over. "All good?" He asked as I held the case in one hand and grabbed my bag from him in the other. He eyed the case. "Whasthat?"

"We're good. Don't worry about it." I said, holding back some urge of regret in my chest. "Come on, let's get back."

He looked at me sideways but nodded and followed. We climbed into the back of the small plane that was only a bit bigger than the first one. I handed him a headset and we put them on.

"We'll be going all the way back to New York." The pilot said over the intercom system in our headphones. "We'll land in a small private airport in a more rural area and transport you back to the city."

I nodded unconsciously, but didn't say anything. It wasn't like either of us could object anyways. I wasn't in the mood for talking,and stayed quiet during that flight too. The case of money laid in my lap and filled me with mixed emotions. It was so much money. Too much money. Way too much money for Vanessa to have gotten in a normal way. It might be nice not having to kill anymore, but it felt like second nature. It was what I knew. It was my new life. And I wasn't about to do anything similar to my old life. I felt a tap on my arm that brought me back into reality.

"Look outside." Raphael's voice was sketchy over the headset and he pointed out the window. I did a small glare at him. I was still mad he had eavesdropped on the conversation. But I looked outside still. In the sky, far into the distance, I could see the boldest double rainbow I had ever seen. I let myself get lost in the colors and the arch, following one end to the other. I thought of rainbows as an arch, but this one started to circle around because I could see so much of it coming from the clouds. "It's impressive."

He had ignored my glare, he probably knew why he'd gotten it. At least he hadn't tried to bring any of it up. I wasn't about to strike up any conversation with him right now though so I was curt but sincere. "It is." I still wanted to continue to get lost in it. I could feel my body slowly relax like a deflating balloon as I stared at it.

The next thing I remembered was the plane bumping to the ground, the shaking and jumping woke me up. Had I really slept for that whole flight? I had gone so long without sleep that it wasn't implausible. I looked over at Raphael who was sitting up a bit straighter and looking out the window. We were landing on a small runway which at the end was populated with small planes under long, open metal sheds.

"We've landed." The pilot said curtly. He tilted his head towards his side window."Your ride is over there."

Once the plane had landed and the pilot let us out, we made our way over to the black SUV. The windows were so tinted it looked like a solid black vehicle. I looked up and noticed the sun was setting. I grimaced. Please tell me I didn't sleep for over ten hours just to wake up at sunset. I grabbed my phone. Dead. Raph looked back at me as I had stopped to gape at the sky with irritation. I looked up at him and he tilted his eye ridges up with question.

"What's the time?" I asked as I jogged over to him.

He pulled his phone out of a side pocket on his duffle bag while continuing to walk. "Seven. In the evening." He put his phone back and opened the back door for me.

"God dammit." I muttered getting in and scooting to the far side across the leather seats. "I just woke up."

"You'll be jet lagged like hell." He nodded as he closed the door behind him.

The window in the separator between the driver and the rear passengers slid open. "Bishop sends his apologies for not being here." Yeah, right, I thought. "But says that your payment should arrive to your specified destination."

I nodded. I wondered if it was already there. I rubbed my hand over the case. Not that the amount in that payment was close to this one I had in my lap.

"What address should I take you to?" His question caught me off guard. For some reason, I had assumed that we would go back to Bishop's office, but considering the driver's greeting, it made sense that we wouldn't. I gave him my address and then Raphael gave him one as well.

The window rolled back up and I glanced over at Raph. "You actually live there?" I felt embarrassed instantly. It probably sounded rude to assume he didn't live in an actual building, and I had let my tongue get ahead of me.

He didn't seem bothered a bit, though. He shrugged. "Nah, just a friend of mine. I told her I was back and she said she was making dinner."

I smirked. "A friend, or a _friend_?" I emphasized the last word. This time he did curl a lip at me slightly with irritation.

"Gross. No. She's like my mom, kind of." He slouched back. "That's…married to my best friend."

"Weird dynamic."

He shrugged again. "They're both like six years older than us."

"Ah." I let the conversation die.

"Yours is outside the city. Close to Casey's family farm." He looked over at me, unwilling to let it die. "You live alone?"

It was my turn to shrug. "Yeah. It's a small house so it doesn't feel to lonely." I ignored the name Casey, trying to let the conversation die again. More trying to murder it. I was never going to see Raph again, why let myself get too attached?

He hummed, dissatisfied. "You should come over. For dinner. April makes a great spaghetti dinner."

I shook my head. "Thanks, but I'm fine."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You should come over. For dinner." This time he said it more gruffly like I didn't have a choice in the matter.

"Fine." Free dinner, I guess. Then I processed the situation and why he would be inviting me over in the first place. "Is this about your eavesdropping incident?"

He just grunted and turned away. It was.

"I'm fine!" I turned on him. "Don't fucking assume I'm some sad lonely bitch out in the woods for god's sake! I like being alone."

He turned on me next. "An old friend comes out of nowhere, talks about some life that doesn't sound anything like this you, begs you to come back, no one knows where you are, and you're fine?"

"I don't want to go back!" I punched the back of the rear seat and glared at him, hard. "I'm happy!"

He pulled back a bit at my sudden outburst, not that there was much room for him to go anywhere. But he didn't back down. He still sounded just as aggressive, but his eyes softened as he said, "A person without their family isn't happy."

I inhaled sharply and everything that had happened on this trip. Everything that had brought me so close to everything I had ran away from hit me like a train. Raphael blurred before my eyes as the tears finally escaped. I covered my face and turned away, my body shaking. I felt the weight of his hand on my shoulder, stabilizing the shaking a bit. I heard him sigh, but he didn't say anything. He just let his thumb rub my shoulder as I continued to cry.

When I had quieted down, he knocked on the separation window that came down. "Actually," he said, "We'll just be making one stop."


	8. Chapter 8

April came to meet us when we got dropped off in the alleyway beside her building. Raph had told me during the drive that she had a shop at the bottom and her home on the top. I thought it sounded like a really nice set up in the city. She was waving at the car when it rolled up.

"No mention of my...career, 'kay?" I hissed at him as I grabbed my stuff and started to get out. I held the briefcase close. I hadn't told him about it yet and I didn't know if I was going to.

"I can promise I won't, but I can't promise my brothers haven't already." He shrugged with a slight eye roll as he rolled out with his duffle bag. Immediately, April hugged him tightly.

"Raph! How was South America!" She grinned at him as she pulled away.

"Well, I didn't get malaria." Raph snickered with a smile. April gave him a hum and a sassy look implying that she already knew about that conversation with Donnie. She turned to me quickly and smiled broadly.

She approached me with open arms, grabbing me in a hug that I awkwardly returned with a confused look at Raph who just laughed and shrugged at me. "You must be Karen!" She seperated herself from me and smiled widely at me with a hint of humor. "I heard some things about you from Leo and Mikey, but we hadn't heard much from Raph in the past few days so when he said you were coming for dinner, I was excited to meet you!"

"Oh, uh-"

"I'm, April, by the way!" She shook my hand enthusiastically, a bit too enthusiastically to be normal. "Sorry to hug you without introducing myself!"

I gave an awkward smile, unsure how to react. "It's...uh...nice to meet you."

She was so energetic about meeting me and chatted on about how much she loved traveling and the "boys" who I assume to be Leo and Mikey mentioned that I travel a lot so we must have been to some of the same countries. We should go out and get coffee, we should go shopping together, the suggestions kept coming while I stood there smiling and flashing desperate glances at Raph who was staring off at his feet or his phone. It wasn't that I minded the opportunity to hang out with April, but it reminded me how little socializing I had done the past few years. I hadn't been to coffee with a friend in ages when before I had been in to a local coffee shop almost every weekend with Peter getting lattes and pancakes. I lonely feeling was creeping into the depth of my chest and I wanted to make it go away by filling it with spaghetti. Raph eventually caught on to my looks and clapped April on the shoulder.

"Hey, you two can chat over the food! I'm starvin' here!" He backed up towards the door gesturing to it dramatically.

"Oh!" April covered her mouth. "Of course! You must be starving! Come, come!"

Raph opened the door and tracked in leaving the door to April who left it to me. It opened up into a staircase which April jogged up to catch up to Raph who was staring to bound up the stairs to food. She whispered something to Raph with a glance back at me. Raph pushed her gently shaking his head and laughing. I wondered if Mikey had hinted at something based on his behavior when I had first met him.

When Raph opened the door, a loud cheer erupted from the room accompanied by a "You didn't die of malaria!" which made me laugh a bit. A muscled man with long black hair grabbed Raph in a hug and dug his knuckles into the top of Raph's head. Raphael fought back with laughter.

"You knucklehead!" The man roared releasing Raph who stumbled back with laughter. "Going on a trip without me! Get in here!" He dragged Raphael in the door who motioned me to come in.

I hadn't realized how far I was standing back. I could feel the warmth of the welcome from half way down the stairs, but I didn't feel like I should be a part of it. I was a stranger walking in on a reunion where I didn't belong. My chest went a bit hollow. This was a mistake, this was too much. I shouldn't have come. Before I could make a move, April grabbed my hand and dragged me up the stairs.

I was blinded not by the light but by the scene inside. I found Leo standing back and smiling at the scuffling pile of Michelangelo, Raphael, and the man laughing. He nodded at April who passed him by to go back to an oversize pot on the stove with steam emerging from it. Leonardo caught my eye and seemed to sense my discomfort. He smiled gently and came over.

"Glad to see you made it back too." He said loudly so to be heard over the shouting and laughing. "I hope he didn't give you much trouble."

"None at all." I smiled also speaking a bit louder than I would have liked. "I never had a doubt we'd make it back."

He nodded. "I'm sure. I hope your hungry though, April might have made double what she usually does because she thought you two would have starved down there."

I smiled with humor. "She seems very motherly. That's what Raphael said she was to ya'll."

Leonardo perked up when I said "ya'll" making me rethink the use of that word. It came out from time to time whether I wanted it to or not. He didn't say anything about it though. "Yes, she's been that to us for many years now." He chuckled. "You could say she adopted us to some extent."

"Raphael mentioned she was married. Is that her husband?" I nodded toward the large black haired man.

Leo hummed with an odd inclination to his tone. "Yes. That's Casey. But that doesn't make him anything like our dad. He's far from that. We've always had a dad." He gestured to a chair in the corner where an older looking humanoid rat sat. He was smiling with gentle humor at the calming pile in the middle of the floor. "That's Master Splinter. He raised us. Trained us. He's our dad."

"Makes much more sense." I nodded. Another brother in a purple mask walked up and poked Leo in the ribs. Leo turned to him and grinned. I assumed this was Donatello, the one I hadn't met yet.

"I'm Don." Donatello offered his hand which I shook at a normal pace I noted. "I didn't get to meet you earlier. I had some other...stuff...going on."

"He was working on another tech project." Leo shrugged with an elbow at Donatello. "He's the family genius."

Don smiled with slight embarrassment but didn't deny it.

"Alright!" April hollared from the stove. The volume didn't seem necessary anymore but it sounded like she was used to talking like that. It wouldn't surprise me if it was frequently loud here. "Dinner is coming, it's here, so sit down and eat!"

There was a mad rush from the table which was entirely Casey, Mikey, and Raph who clattered the chairs around as they scambled into their seats. April scowled at them as they hovered over their plates at her in anticipation. Leo, Don, and I approached the table afterward, avoiding the comotion. Leonardo gave a hard stare at Mikey and Raph as if to warn them about their behavior in front of a guest.

Master Splinter sat beside me and smiled softly. "You must be Karen. I hope the trip wasn't too hard for you or that my son made it any harder."

"And you must be Master Splinter." I smiled back. "Not at all, it was helpful having him."

"Good." He nodded solomnly.

"Gees, you all act like I'm nothin but trouble!" Raph lamented loudly as he pulled his arm up over the pot, trying to get a full length of pasta to emerge but it just kept going. He gave up and slammed it on his plate, scrapping the ends to a halt on the edge of the pot.

"Well, aren't ya?" Casey snarled playfully at him, earning spaghetti in the face. April marched over and snatched the tongs from Raph with a scowl. He sheepishly grinned at her with a shrug.

"Not as much as you!" Raph hissed back as April moved the pot to the other end of the table near my end with the...calmer half of the group.

Casey groaned at April. "Babe, I hadn't gotten any yet!"

"You will." She snapped. "Give me your plate."

"I'm an adult, I can-"

"Give it." He obeyed and she placed a reasonable amount onto his plate and handed it back. He frowned.

"That's not enough!"

"You can have seconds later." She rolled her eyes as Michelangelo handed him her plate. She scooped about the same amount onto his. "There is plenty to go around for a while, I promise."

She handed the tongs to Don who thanked her for dinner with a grin.

"Anytime, dear." She smiled back and sat down between Leonardo and Mikey.

After the spaghetti had gone around, the rowdy half of the table was already grabbing for seconds. April agreed to let them use the tongs under the promise that spaghetti only went on plates and in mouths.

"So, Karen," Leo piped up as he slowly ate his first serving. "Tell us about the mission. Did it go as smoothly as it could have gone?"

Raph perked up, it was obvious he wanted to tell about how there was no mission to do, but we still got a shit ton of money. I didn't want that to happen. It meant there would be questions and I'd have to talk about Vanessa. "Yeah, I mean there were a bit less militia than they initially thought so nothing that we couldn't handle. But our transport target wanted to stay in the village longer than they could afford us for so they sent some military troops after us since we had taken out the major target they were worried about. We got the target there, Raph played with the kids, and then we got picked up."

Mikey snorted and spaghetti came out of his nostril. Casey laughed and pulled it out while Mikey grunted in dramatics and discomfort. April looked like she wanted to pop him. I couldn't help but grin a bit at the scene, this really felt like a family. Michelangelo turned to me with surprise once the spaghetti was taken care of and Leo had carefully recovered it and was placing it in the garbage can. "Raph played with kids? This Raphie? This one right here?"

Raph slapped Mikey's hands away which were pointed firmly at him. "I'll have ya know, I'm pretty good with kids!"

"Good at scaring them, maybe." Michelangelo muttered and leaned back as spaghetti flew at his face. It landed on April.

"Ah." Raph froze with fear. The table fell silent other than Master Splinter continuing to eat while ignoring the shenanigans. I guess when you raise four boys, you have to pick your fights. "I...uh...I'm sorry April… I was goin for Mike."

April's face was stone straight. The spaghetti had stuck across her face with splatters of sauce all over the place. "You're doing dishes. All the dishes." There was no emotion to her voice. Mikey had started slowly peeling the spaghetti off of her face.

"Yeah, yes, of course. Yes." Raph stuttered. Donnie was choking back laughter beside me and was not doing a great job. Raphael didn't respond and rather despondently went back to his spaghetti.

"You dun' did it now, bud." Casey clapped his shoulder empathetically. Donatello couldn't hold it back anymore and erupted into giggles. He lost his breath and had to bend over taking large breaths that would break into more giggles until he stopped.

"I'm so glad that this is amusing, Donatello." April was staring forward at him, face stone cold still. "Would you like to help with the dishes, then?"

"No." Donnie murmured and stuffed his mouth with spaghetti. Leo looked ashamed to be affiliated with anyone to his right at this point. Master Splinter remained unphased as his continued to eat peacefully.

It didn't take long for dinner conversation to fade back in which turned out to mostly be April asking me about where I had been. Based on her conversation, it didn't seem like she knew anything about my occupation. I was grateful to Leo and Mike for that. April and I had both been to Canada, Singapore, and Ghana, but it was apparent I had been many more places than she had which impressed her. Neither of us had been to England but both wanted to go. She spent a good five minutes depicting us going on vacation together. I think she wanted to be friends, really badly. I couldn't blame her considering the sausage fest at the table currently.

After dinner, Raphael immediately jumped on dishes, avoiding any additions to Aprils wrath. As he grabbed my plate he muttered a whisper at me. "We need to talk when I'm done."

I knew he wanted to talk about why I had so blatantly lied about our mission to everyone. When I said it, I knew he would question it, but it still put a cold rock in my stomach. I almost offered to help so that I could talk to him then but April snatched me up to a conversation with Master Splinter and Leo about the travel logistic hoops we had to jump through with Raphael. I didn't mention his obvious discomfort in the presence of other humans, but I had a feeling they were implying that it happened. It seemed like a common enough occurrence that they would know about it.

It took longer than I thought it would for Raphael to finish with the dishes after which he came over and sat close to our group. Casey and Michelangelo were playing a football game on the tv, but they were quieter than they had been before.

"Will you be staying for the night?" April asked genuinely and the smile on her face hinted at the answer she was seeking. I couldn't stay though, I had to be alone. I could feel the anxiety building up slowly with the overwhelming amount of socializing I had been doing.

"No." I shook my head. "I don't live far out, and I'd like to get back home in time to sleep in my own bed, finally."

April sighed but nodded. "I get that feeling. Nothing like your own bed."

I took up my phone and opened up my Lyft app, instantly finding at least five cars within a mile from me. I started to send my request when Raph covered my phone with his hand. "I'll drive you back."

"Wha-" I looked up at him. "How? You can drive?"

He grinned slyly. "Yeah. I got a motorcycle."

I scowled. "I'm not one for-"

"Ah, come on, you'll love it!"

Michelangelo turned around. "It's outside, actually. Don drove it here."

Raph instantly eyed Donnie who turned away like a cat. Raphael muttered to himself but let it go. "Then we're definitely taking the bike! I got an extra helmet in April's closet."

"You mean my helmet?" April crossed her arms.

"Yeah, yeah. April's helmet, which she'll let you borrow?"

She sighed and walked off to her room to retrieve it. I was still unsure about motorcycles, and I had been hoping that a Lyft would help me avoid this conversation. It didn't seem like I had much of a choice, though.

"Gimme." Raph held his hand out to Don who dropped the keys in his hand.

April came out and placed the plain black helmet in my hand. At least it wasn't flashy. Raph stood up and motioned for me to follow him. I stood up and started to walk out with him.

"It was nice to meet you all." I smiled, carefully avoiding any Southern jargon that would lead to more conversation.

"Come and visit!" April stood up and grabbed me into a hug. "Please, I need a girl friend around here!"

I chuckled as I returned the hug. It might not be so bad to have a friend around. "I will, I promise."

She let me go and I followed Raph out as I grabbed my bag and case with a chorus of goodbyes behind me. Michelangelo started to shout something but it became muffled behind someone's hand. Raphael shook his head like he knew what was attempting to be said and tramped down the stairs. Once we were out on the alley he turned and glared at me. "We aren't going to talk now, but when we get back to your place. You're going to tell me why you lied back there."

I sighed and avoided his eye contact. "I know."

He took the helmet out of my hands and placed on my head with a pat. "Good. Now. Let's ride."


	9. Chapter 9

My legs were shaking when I climbed off the bike. My knuckles were aching and cracked from holding on for so tight. The verdict was in. I was not a motorcycle person. I stretched my fingers in and out, cringing which the pain in the cracks. Raphael took the helmet off my head, and I narrowed my eyes at him. He smirked.

"Didn't like it, huh?"

"What do you think?" I huffed, unhooking my bag and case from the back of the bike. I started to walk towards the house. "Well. Thanks for the ride."

"No. Nope. You're not done here." Raph paced beside me, glaring. I knew it was a long shot. I grunted. "We're talking about what happened back there."

"And if I don't want to?"

"You've been acting really weird since we met that Vanessa chick. And you got me involved. It's too late to not want to. Isn't it?"

I dropped my briefcase on the front porch. It's a cute little porch. Maybe it's me trying to dissociate, but my house was pretty adorable. Flowers and rocking chairs on the front porch. My wind chime clinged in the silence as a breeze blew past. My yard was trimmed, bushes lined the edge of the porch in the yard, and a lamp was lit in the window to the right of the front door. I didn't do what I did in this door. Any work that was occurring happened outside this door. Off this porch. Not here. But he was here. My work was standing on my front porch demanding answers. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tightly. I pulled my keys out of my pocket and started to slide them between my fingers.

"I think my reflexes are a little quicker than yours." He muttered, noticing the slight move.

"Just. Not here. Out. Of this house. Please." I breathed. "Let me put my stuff down and take a shit."

"Fine. I gotta piss too. You got more than one bathroom?"

"Yeah. Sure." Great. He was in my house. My work in my house. My stomach tightened and I could feel the corners of my eyes getting wet. Shit. "Come on."

I unlocked the door and stepped in. The scent of lavender hit me. Home. But if felt different. I couldn't forget or let everything go. The briefcase in my hand suddenly felt heavier, weighing me down. God dammit. I had taken it. I had taken the fucking money. I set it down beside my coffee table and noticed another one on the table. I flipped it open to confirm that it was Bishop's payment.

"Wait. I thought that one was your payment. What's that then?" Raph came up beside me after eyeing my house.

"Shut up. I said not here. Bathroom is on the other side of the staircase. Half bath. Good enough for a piss." I walked away quickly up the stairs. I could feel him watch me go, but he didn't protest. The wood stairs creaked under me. Normally this felt comforting, but now as I wanted to disappear it became a give away. I turned to my bedroom on the right and closed the door behind me, leaning against it and feeling my body heave.

I hadn't realized how tired the dinner had made me. The warmth that I hadn't felt in so long. It made my heart hurt. I hadn't felt so warm since Jason. As I tried to catch my breath I could feel him using his arm to bring me against his chest telling me it was okay. It wasn't. Not anymore. A hissing whine escaped my mouth as the tears escaped. Everything hurt.

The door gave way behind me and I fell out backwards. Fuck my inverted door. I always meant to fix that. There I was, laying in the floor in a fetal position, looking at Raph's feet. I curled up tighter and hid my face. My breath breaking in my chest as I tried to stop crying.

"Karen?" His voice was soft and I felt his weight on the floor as he sat down. Raph's hand touched my back and I felt it furl away slightly when I shook, but it quickly came back. "Karen?"

I shook my head in my arms, still hiding in plain sight. He sighed and patted my back. "Take your time. You got beer?"

I nodded. There was some IPA in my fridge. Some cider too.

"You want one? Help you calm down?"

I nodded again. I didn't care which he brought me so I stayed quiet and shuddering as he climbed down the stairs. I steadied my breath and slowly uncurled. I sat up and leaned against the wall, legs sprawled in front of me. I rubbed the back of my hand across my eyes and took a deep breath in. I avoided eye contact as Raphael came back up and touched the cold bottle to my arm. I took it and watched the frosty air escape from the top. He sat down beside me and took a sip from his. I took a long drink.

"I'm sorry." He muttered with the bottle close to his mouth before he took another sip.

"Why? It's nothing to do with you."

"I looked inside the case." Raph looked away from me and rubbed the bottle with his thumb with his leg up and stabilizing his arm.

I snapped my neck towards him. He still wasn't looking at me.

"I won't ask for now. You obviously need a moment. But. I have questions."

I sighed and looked down at my bottle clasped in my hands. The cold was sharp in my senses and brought my focus back. Jason was gone. I gave a deep frown but resisted another surge of tears. "I know. But. Why ask? What good does it do you to have answers?"

"I want to get to know my friends." Raph eyed me as my eyes widened quickly.

"Who said we were friends?"

"I did."

I didn't answer but I smiled at my IPA. It made me happy to hear him say that. For some reason. Maybe I hadn't wanted to cut him off. Somewhere. Deep down. I took another long drink. I sniffled, the snot still blocking my breathing. "Let me drink two more, and I'll answer your questions."

"Fair 'nough." He shrugged. "Can we at least go sit somewhere that's not the floor? I'm assuming you don't actually have to take a shit."

I shook my head and started to stand, my legs still shaking. From the ride over or the breakdown, I wasn't sure. Raph grabbed my elbow and steadied me on my feet. He patted my shoulder.

"Do I get more beer too?" He asked over his shoulder on the way down the stairs.

"I mean. There's plenty, so sure." I shrugged with a small smile.

Two and half beers later, I had curled up in the living room chair while Raph downed his fifth, spread out on the couch. "I hate it when Mike doesn't think I can be good with kids. I'm great with kids!"

I leaned back and laughed, the only thing left my breakdown the red rings under my eyes. "A good jungle gym maybe!"

"Hey." He rolled on his side and pointed at me. "I was better than you. You cleared away from those little tikes."

"I don't like kids." I chuckled. It wasn't a complete lie. "They're loud and rude."

"Maybe that's why I like them." Raph took a sip from the bottle, finishing it off as he tilted it in the air. "Loud and rude. Like me."

"I don't think you're that rude."

"My brothers do."

"Well, they're your brothers. That's different. You can be a bitch to your brothers." I shrugged and chugged the last of my third beer.

"Good point." He chuckled and added the bottle to a little pyramid he had going on my coffee table.

I sighed and stared at the empty bottle. "I promised you answers after three beers."

"You don't have to. I'm being too nosy." Raphael muttered into his arm. He had leaned on his back. With his shell in the way, his neck went limp to let his head hit the arm rest. "I'm sure you have friends who don't know your shit. It's fine."

"I don't have friends" I muttered and curled up a bit tighter in the chair. The alcohol had helped me relax a bit, but it could only do so much. "You don't really make many friends in my business."

"You don't have friends?" His voice wasn't muffle anymore.

"I used to." I picked a fuzz knot off my pants.

"Like Vanessa?"

I nodded. "And Peter. And Rhoda. And more."

"What happened?"

"I left." I answered simply. Maybe I wasn't ready for this. There was still a window. I had told him we wouldn't do this here. But. I was tired enough to not want to move.

"I figured that much." Raphael snorted. "But why?"

I shook my head. I couldn't tell him that. No. I couldn't even make it come out of my mouth.

"Fine. Can I at least ask one question?"

I smirked to hide my fear. "You just did."

"Karen."

"Fine. Sure."

"Why did Vanessa give you so much money?" I heard the couch shift. I could feel his eyes on me, following my reaction.

"To make me stop. Being a hitman." I sighed. "That's. The whole reason she brought us out there. To find me. And give me that."

He shook his head. "There's more to it. There's got to be. She didn't seem to awfully thrilled to see you. Or sound like it on the ride out."

I frowned. "I almost forgot you're a fucking eavesdropper."

"You gotta be aware." Raphael rolled his eyes. He got up and marched over to the fridge. I was surprised he didn't seem to be feeling any more than tipsy, but I guess his weight made him a bit more resistant. He grabbed a sixth beer and snapped it open with his hand. He acted like that was impressive the first time till I politely pointed out that they were twist off.

"I really don't know." I went back to the previous comment. "She wouldn't tell me where it came from. Only that I should take it because she hated having it. I think she also didn't want me coming back around." I was just realizing the last part. Giving me money to keep me safe. But keep me away.

"That Peter boy?" Raphael squinted at me. "Who was he to you? Other than Vanessa's husband?"

"My best friend." I shook my head. "Just my best friend. She never liked how close we were. I think it made her jealous and suspicious. Even though we were friends too. And both married."

I realized my mistake as Raph choked on his beer. Shit. Fuck. No.

"You were married?" He quickly came back. Sitting on the coffee table. The pyramid fell over in his rush. None of the bottle broke though. Somehow. He didn't even remark about it, he was intense, staring. Not wavering. I couldn't think of a way to get out.

"Yeah." My hands started shaking. I crossed my arms against my chest to stabilize them.

"Karen. Why did you leave?" Raph leaned in close to me. "What happened?"

I took a deep breath. If I told someone. Someone who couldn't just go out and tell anyone. Someone private. Someone like Raphael. Would I feel better? The haze of emotions and alcohol made it hard to think. "I killed my first person."


	10. Chapter 10

Christmas break means I'm bored which means I write more. Hurray! Happy holidays!

* * *

Raphael was snoring on the couch as I crept up the stairs. Maybe he wouldn't remember. He had asked to tell him about my first kill, but I couldn't concede. The words wouldn't come out of my mouth even if I tried. We had drank in silence for half an hour more before he fell asleep after half of his eleventh beer and I was still into my fifth. It wasn't a silence that was stiff or hostile from either side. More of understanding. Of knowing what it was like to have things you just couldn't talk about.

He had been asleep for fifteen minutes before I finally decided to creep upstairs. I hadn't had enough alcohol to calm my inner voice, the bad one. Sometimes, there's a nice one. It tells me to take it easy; to be nice to myself. The former frequents my mind more often. I attempted to numb myself consciously as laid in my bed and closed my eyes, not even bothering to undo the covers. My mind wouldn't silence itself and the jet lag was proving difficult to overcome.

You didn't deserve someone to trust, my voice told me. He could tell someone. He could tell his brothers. He could tell April. I attempted to reason with myself that Raph wouldn't do that, but my mind wouldn't concede. What if you have to kill him? The violent images of past kills transferred onto Raphael wouldn't stop sliding through my inner viewing screen. Having my eyes closed made it worse. I squeezed a portion of my comforter into my hand, making a fist around the clump of fabric.

I thought about going down and waking Raph up and talking to him. Not about this. About anything but this. Movies, dogs, music, literally anything but this. He was sleeping. I couldn't bother him. Raph didn't need to be mixed up in my shit. So I decided to do what I always did when my brain wouldn't shut the fuck up at night. I went into my bathroom and got the Benadryl down from my medicine box on the shelf. I usually took two. I should only take two. I poured four into my hand. I put water into the cup I kept beside the sink and downed them.

 _Fucking hell, Karen._ I pinched my nose. I always thought maybe one day it would be better. Easier. That's why I got this house and made it all cute and shit. Because maybe it would make me better. It never got better.

I hopped into the shower and as I moved through the steps, shampoo then conditioner then face then body, my eyes started to burn from being open and my yawning got more frequent. I didn't think it would happen, but I started to wonder how many Benadryl it took until I would pass out in the shower leaving Raph to find me dead of concussion in the morning, stark naked. Jesus. I had some dignity to at least hit my head on the floor with pajamas on. At least die clothed and clean.

I did make it to my bed, towel on my head, in soft pajamas. This time, I undid the comforter, and got comfy before closing my eyes and almost instantly losing consciousness.

* * *

I woke up to the smell of bacon. My mind was fuzzy for a while, going in and out of dreaming about Jason making bacon. I slowly came completely to, and slammed my hand around till it finally found my phone. It was ten in the morning. I sat up and rubbed my eyes on the back of my arm. I remembered that I had left Raphael sleeping on the couch and he was the only one who could be down there making bacon. I shook the thought of Jason out of my head with a twinge in my chest before working my way out of my bed.

I was still groggy from my drugged sleep. I trudged around and slowly waddled down the stairs, yawning. Sure enough, I could see Raph in the kitchen. He turned around when the stairs creaked under me.

"I, uh, figured since I downed most of your beer that I could at least make breakfast?" He gave me a sheepish smirk. I smiled and shrugged. "How do you like your eggs? I like sunny side up, but Mike usually breaks the yoke half way through and makes weird scrambled eggs."

Maybe Raph didn't remember what I told him last night I thought as I myself remembered what I told him. That would be nice. "I like scrambled, but I'm not picky."

"Eh, I could go for scrambled, and it makes it easier." He cracked five eggs into a pan he already had heating up with butter and beat the eggs while they cooked.

As I stood at the kitchen table that served as a make shift island in my small den and kitchen area, we made small talk. How did you sleep? Fine, and you? The weather is nice today. It felt strained. I knew he remembered. I realized that he hadn't planned to spend the night.

"Do your brothers think your dead in a ditch somewhere?" I joked, hoping to lighten the heavy air. Hoping it would make him forget or never bring it up again.

"Nah, I texted Leo this morning that I got drunk and passed out. He wasn't too surprised. I run around a lot." He shrugged, stirring the hardening eggs around the pan with a spatula.

I narrowed my eyes. I didn't need Leo or any of the rest of them thinking weird shit went down. "Define running around."

"Jesus. Pervert, huh? Nah, I disappear, go for rides. Mostly come out here, to Casey's family place and sleep on the couch. Or on rooftops in the city. I disappear occasionally." He started scraping the eggs out onto a plate and eyed me. I nodded to let him know that was enough and he scraped the rest onto his plate. He put two slices of crisped bacon on my plate and four on his before sliding the plate across the table to me and sitting down. "Well, I don't think I actually disappear. I'm pretty sure Don's got trackers on all of us."

"Knows where I live now, huh?" I walked into the kitchen and pulled a pitcher of coffee out of the fridge. I poured some into a mug and turned to Raphael. "Want some coffee? It's cold so it can be iced or hot from the microwave."

"No and no, I don't like coffee. Watching Don chug three pitchers a day kinda ruins it for me." He shook his head. "And I don't do tea either. Leader boy makes it feel pretentious."

I snorted as I placed my mug in the microwave and started it up for a minute. "Leader boy?"

"Leo. It can be an insult or a fun nickname depending on this situation." He snickered and shoved eggs into his mouth. "Didn't you have siblings?"

"Only child." I poured some cream and stirred it and some sugar into my coffee before sitting back down. Raph eyed into my cup.

"Don would call that 'milk.'"

"Well. I don't hate myself so I add cream and sugar." I bit into a piece of bacon, letting it crumble into my mouth. It was crunchier than I liked it, but I wasn't about to complain.

We had some banter while eating. I took care of the dishes, but not without reminding Raph of his dish troubles from the night before.

"She was more angry when Leo exploded her microwave the other week." He laughed.

"Leo? He seems so responsible."

"Clueless when it comes to cooking. Put some dumplings in foil so he wouldn't waste a plate. Ruined the microwave instead. That's what his portion of the money from this mission is going towards."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Is that the whole reason you signed up for it? So that Leo could replace a microwave?"

He shook his head. "We owed Bishop a favor, he said we sounded perfect for the job, and the money was a nice bonus."

I hummed in response as I scrubbed the dishes out and placed them in the drying rack.

"Why did you take the mission?"

Why did I take the mission? It had been so different from the previous jobs I had done. It seemed fitting. Since it turned out to be my last job. I didn't need to stop. I could keep going despite Vanessa's gift. But my desire had died out since I had gotten back. I hadn't checked messages like I usually did immediately upon return. Hadn't turned my business phone back on that was still sitting in my bedside drawer. What changed? And back to the original question, why had I taken this job? Not even I was sure.

"It was a shit ton of money." Was the easiest answer I could think of.

"It was." Raph didn't seem to fully accept this answer. His phone buzzed and he placed it to his ear. "What is it, Mike?"

He moved into the den, and I didn't bother to listen over the clattering plates and pans in the sink suds. I finished up after a bit to catch Raph saying, "What the fuck you mean?"

I turned around. Raph was in the middle of the den, hand on his hip, staring at the ceiling with a scowl. His bottles were no longer scattered on the floor and I noticed he had put them all in the trash. Probably before making breakfast. Silently thoughtful.

"Ugh. Just. Do whatever. I don't care." He hung up and sighed.

"What's up?" I asked, curious.

He rubbed his eyes. "They decided to come out to the cabin since I was 'having fun out here without them.' Well, Mike and Casey decided to come out, and Leo and Don decided to come along."

"April too?" I actually wanted to be friends with her, much to my own surprise. What was happening?

He shrugged and plopped into the couch, spreading his arms across the back. "Maybe."

I sat myself in the chair, it felt the same as last night. Except now the sunlight was streaming into the windows and I was sober. He was sober too. "Hey."

"Hm?" He looked over at me, still spread out.

"Promise you won't talk about what I told you. Last night." I picked at my thumb nail, avoiding eye contact in case he said no.

He didn't answer, just sat for a while, I could feel his eyes on me, making me hunch over and pick with more furiously. The couch relaxed audibly as he stood up and walked over to me. I felt his hand spread on top of my head and he scrunched my hair up and down before patting it back down.

"It's safe with me."


	11. Chapter 11

**Hope you all had a wonderful holiday! It was busy and I got behind, unfortunately. But here's a new chapter, enjoy!**

 **Note: Based on this chapter, I am adding a suicidal warning to the story. Please take note if that is a sensitive subject for you. Only this chapter will contain the detailed description of the act. The next chapter will discuss it, but I will add a warning before each chapter where it is discussed from here on out.**

* * *

It only got worse after Raphael left to Casey's farm house. He said it was only fifteen minutes down the road and that I should pop by at some point. He said he would text me if they did marshmallows and a fire or something. He said if April came, he'd let me know. But, I already knew I probably wouldn't come over despite my promises too.

I was laying on the couch, staring at nothing. There was a book on the side table I had started before I left but there was nothing in me that reached for it. What was it about? I didn't care to remember. The only thing that was being productive was the hollowness growing in my chest. It strained by body as I fought for the desire to do something. Anything. Television? Eh. Video games? Nah. No desire or disgust. Just apathy and pain. I ended up taking a nap. Leaving reality was the only thing I desired.

Jason was smiling at me and holding out his hand. It was our dinky little apartment from before. It was our tired couch from my parents. It was Lily our calico in the window. We were in the bed and it was so comfortable with him. We were on our patio eating dinner and watching the park across the street, narrating the lives of the people who walked by and laughing. He was looking at me and said, "I'm glad you came home."

My eyes flashed open to this house. Not our apartment. There was this innate burning to be anywhere but here. A burning to be back home. A burning to be with Jason. I realized I had been awoken by my phone buzzing under the decorative pillow I had been using. I read the screen. Raph was calling me. I hesitated to answer. I stared until his name disappeared and my lock screen displayed a missed call. I wanted to be miserable. I deserved to be miserable. Answering that call would lead to me not being miserable.

The hollowness was filled with thorns. Growing, breeding, multiplying, hurting. I threw up. It burned, but not as much as my tears. I sobbed over the sink, washing the mess down the drain. I just wanted to go home. Home. Fuck. I had swallowed this down for so long. It was like a nauseousness where I kept my mouth shut and didn't talk out of fear from it coming up. I had opened my mouth. Talked. And now it was coming out.

Take me home. Where is home? It wasn't that old apartment. That belonged to someone else now. If they had the courage to rent it out again. Some people were into that. Home was where Jason was. Where was Jason? Dead. Dead? Dead. Lightbulb.

It would be two birds with one stone. Stop the pain. Go home. Stop the pain and go home. Fuck. Stop. It hadn't been this bad in years. What stopped me the first time? There was a lady, two floors below on the street. I had seen her. Her husband. Their baby. Cute family. I had liked them. Now I envied them. But, she was being pushed into their car, being pushed back with each attempt to leave. Then there was the punch and the slump of her body into the seat. The door was shutting. No one to see except me that Sunday night at four in the morning. Suddenly, the gun that was for me, was now for him. It wasn't a mercy that I caught his leg instead. It was an accident. Just like there was no one to see them, there was no one to see me.

I was upstairs. I was in my bathroom. The attempt to stop the burning had failed. My brain was overridden by a voice. Chanting like a crowd cheering: go home, go home, go home, go home. It was the only thing I could hear. The Benadryl was in my hand. One. Two. Four. Eight. Ten. How many? I don't remember. Who cares.

* * *

"Can you hear me, dear?" It's comfy. Kind of. It's not a floor for sure. Fuck. What is this?

"Karen? Can you hear me?" The voice is louder. Everything is loud. Footsteps. So many footsteps. People are yelling words. Something pricked my arm. I tried to protest, but I don't think it came out.

"Karen, respond to my voice." I tried. I think. Where am I? My heart feels funny. So fast. Am I at the gym? Gross.

"Can you open your eyes for me?" I could. But I couldn't really see. I saw beige and white and light blue. Were those human shapes? Haha. Human shapes. A bright light is in my eyes. Gross. I protested.

"I know. It's not fun. Can you follow the light for me?" The light is moving back and forth. I tried. It hurt and I shut my eyes again.

"Karen, try to stay awake for me. Yeah?" No. I couldn't do that. Sorry. I was still so sleepy.

* * *

I opened my eyes, the lights were dimmed. I saw my arm first, and IV stuck in me. An IV? I looked around. A hospital room. There were three other beds. Two empty. One with a sleeping old woman. There was a shifting noise beside me. "Karen?"

I looked over to see April. She had this broken expression on her face. Why so sad? What did I do? Oh. Oh, yeah. Wait. Who found me? What happened? I frowned. "April."

"H-how do you feel?" She scooched her chair closer, hanging onto the handles as she shifted. I couldn't stand the look on her face any more. I looked down at my feet covered by the sheet.

"Groggy." I said quietly.

"I'm sorry." She sighed. "We don't know each other very well. I know that. But. Raph couldn't exactly be here."

I felt my heart drop. Thud. It had slowed from what it had felt like when I can only assume was me being run in on a stretcher. Guilt filled my entire being. I couldn't face him again, could I? Or I'd have to, wouldn't I? If he was the reason I was alive right now.

"He found you." She muttered. No. No, no, no. He didn't deserve that. "He was hysterical, Karen."

Stop. Please stop talking. She didn't.

"I ran over. He called me first. You were out on the bathroom floor. It was obvious you had taken some Benadryl. Too much. We couldn't tell how much. They told me you overdosed." I couldn't look at her. But her voice was breaking. I was making the sheet into balls in my fists, holding back my tears. We both knew he didn't deserve that. "He wanted to be here. He's on the roof. I've been updating him. He won't go back to the house."

There was a long period of silence. I couldn't say how long. But it felt like an eternity.

"I have to get a nurse. They said to let me know when you woke up." April stood and walked towards the door. She waved down a stocky young lady who was walking down the hall. They spoke for a moment before the nurse came in. She offered me a sweet smile.

"Hello, dear." She grabbed the clipboard from the tray beside my bed. "You gave us quite a scare there."

I avoided eye contact. I felt guilty. She patted my hand.

"But you're looking much better now. We did confirm an overdose on diphenhydramine and treated for that. You didn't have a concussion which was checked for since it was reported by your friend that you were found on the floor. That's good because you were out cold when we got you! A little sleeping beauty, if you will." She smiled again then looked down at her clipboard. "If you are feeling up to talking, I am required to ask you some questions about drug use and suicidal thoughts."

"Okay." I muttered. I wanted it over with. I was immediately thinking of how to answer. I couldn't go to a psych ward. Is that what they did? I wasn't sure. I just wanted out. Away.

"I'll go get something to eat." April interjected, making it obvious her intent to respect my privacy. She meant well, but it just hurt me. Being so nice. After what I did.

The questions took longer than I thought to go though. The drug use ones weren't a problem since my use of drugs wasn't really a problem. I had to work hard to downplay my answers to the suicidal thoughts and keep my story straight. In the end, I had been drinking, and just forgot how much I had taken for my seasonal allergies that were acting up. This seemed to satisfy my nurse as she went into a spill about the dangers of drinking and taking Benadryl.

I was alone for a bit after she left. They wanted to monitor me for one more day to check my reaction to the treatment. April walked back in and smiled gently at me. "They told me you'll be out in a day."

I just nodded.

"What happened?" She frowned at me as she sat down. "What did you do?"

I just looked away.

"Well, you at least owe Raphael an explanation." April sighed and pulled out her phone. "You want to talk to him?"

"I don't think we can use cell phones in here." I murmured, pretending to be worried about getting in trouble. April knew I was lying.

"I don't see any nurses and I can pull the privacy screen so they don't see. She said she wouldn't be back for thirty minutes unless we called."

"I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"I'm not really giving you one, no." She hit dial and handed me the phone before pulling the curtain around me.


	12. Chapter 12

The phone only rang once before he picked up. "How is she?"

"Raph."

There was a pause. What was he thinking? What was he feeling? I wouldn't blame if he hated me for what happened. Saw me as weak. Pathetic. Selfish. That's what I was. He probably never wanted to speak to me again. "Karen."

His voice knocked the breath out my chest. Guilt filled the cavity that was created in its wake. Not that I didn't feel guilty already. No. This consumed me with guilt. There was a slight break to my name like relief. Like my voice was relieving to hear.

"I'm glad you're okay." That broke me. Everything I had been pretending not to feel pounced in my moment of weakness and I choked. Tears gushed down my cheeks and I breathed in hiccups. It had been so long. Since someone had cared. If he hadn't come by my house that night, would I be gone? "Please don't cry. You don't have to cry."

"I-I'm s-so sor-sorry." The words barely came out between the hiccups. I tried to stop crying, I really did, but the emotions were so overbearing.

"Please don't be sorry." His voice was heavy and cracking. "Just. Tell me something. Tell me the truth."

I nodded then realized he couldn't see my nod. "O-okay."

"What were you trying to do?" I took a deep breath. I didn't want to say the words. I really didn't. But I owed him big. And this was all he wanted. "W-were you just having trouble sleeping? Did you forget how much you took? Wha-"

"I was trying to kill myself." I whispered, barely audible. But I could tell he heard it. I took a deep breath, riddled with the final hiccups of my subsiding tears. "I wanted to go home."

"Home isn't there." He whispered back. "Trust me."

"I know. I know now. I didn't then." A therapist I saw right after I lost Jason said that I had to go through five steps of grief before I recovered. I remembered depression was right before acceptance. I considered my hospital stay as my overcoming depression. Finally, my brain could tell me that Jason was gone. I knew I would always be sad about Jason being gone. But now. I knew he was gone.

"I'm sorry I made you talk about it." He sighed. If we weren't on the phone, would he hug me? Part of me imagined it would feel comforting. The other part was immensely embarrassed at the thought, but why I couldn't quite pinpoint. "I should have left it alone. Maybe you wouldn't have gotten like that."

"It was a long time coming." I tried to brush it off. It was true though. Even if I hadn't opened up, I would have cracked eventually. I was beginning to realize that. I could only put so much into a bottle before it started to break. "It was going to happen eventually."

There was another moment of silence between us. He finally found out I was crazy and was going to fuck off. I couldn't blame him. A suicidal killer? Yeah, real nice friend there.

"I have another thing to ask you." He broke the silence, his voice was determined this time. Almost demanding. "I want you to move into the city. I want you to be closer. And not all alone in the middle of nowhere."

* * *

It's not that I was completely against moving to the city, but I wasn't completely for it either. It was expensive. I couldn't say funds were an issue anymore, though. In the meantime, April had dropped trying to become my friend, and had started to become my mom. She snuck me good food from the hospital cafeteria. Well, as good as hospital cafeteria food gets I suppose. She walked me out of the hospital with her arm linked in mine. And she helped pack me a temporary bag since I had yet to find a place in the city. She was even nagging me as we looked though apartments on my laptop in her own apartment where I was currently sleeping on the couch.

I assume Raphael had told her I had "agreed" to his demands that I stop living alone because she had insisted on helping me look at apartments. This was after days of asking me when I was going to get around to it that she stopped giving me a choice and told me to sit down with her and look at apartments. I had been silently hoping I'd go back to my house after it blew over.

"Not that one, it has a radiator instead of a central heating system. You'll hate that in the winter." She pointed to the radiator in the window of one of the units I had pulled up.

"Just because there's a radiator doesn't mean it actually works."

"Better safe than sorry."

"Fine. How about this one?"

"That one's pretty nice. Put it on the 'might go see' list."

"You mean the 'will go see' list?"

"You can't go see all of them!"

"I only have four so far."

"Yeah, and hopefully we'll find a lot more."

"Not with your criteria." I muttered just loud enough for her to hear. She huffed at me, but went back to scrolling down the list of search results of apartments within a five mile radius. She set that perimeter. I wondered if she'd be mad if I just blatantly started calling her "mom." Not that she had any kids, and the fading roots of her dark red hair let on that it was going to have to happen sooner than later. Maybe the boys were enough kids for her. Maybe calling her "mom" would actually make her happy. Now I felt bad for calling her out on being picky about my living situation. She definitely knew more about the area than I did. "Sorry, I'm just really bad at this finding places to live thing."

This immediately brightened her face. "Why don't you just let me look and we can make a day of going out and looking at places!"

It actually didn't sound half bad as I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by all the different options and differences between them. And it seemed like April would be much pickier than I was making her better at shaving the options down. "I wouldn't make you do that for me."

"Are you kidding?" Her voice went a little shrill and her face cracked in a wide smile. I could feel her excitement radiating off of her. "I love doing this kind of thing! Sometimes, I think I should have been in real estate or a travel agent. Please let me do it!"

I couldn't help but smile. April's eyes were quite literally sparkling with joy at the thought of doing my shopping for me. If it made us both happy, it wouldn't be a bad idea. "Fine, fine, but remember my price range."

I did have to keep funds in the back of my head to some extent with no active income happening. April nodded in agreement before snatching the laptop out of my lap and immediately clicking through the list .

Right then, the door banged open and Casey came parading through the door with all four of the brothers. Raph was close in tow with Leonardo since he had gotten in trouble for being out in the middle of the day. Well, as much trouble as an adult can get into with his father. It seemed more like Master Splinter was punishing him as a student, though. One week without being able to go out alone or use his bike. I had expressed a degree of guilt about this since his outing consisted of him sitting on the hospital roof worried about me, but Raph had laughed and downplayed it even though I could sense his continuing distress over my wellbeing.

It hadn't been a quiet event so everyone else had quickly figured out what happened, and even though it wasn't explicitly expressed as suicide to anyone except Raphael, it was obvious that most had figured it out. By most, I mean everyone except Casey. Mikey was unphased but sympathetic. Offering me old movies to watch while I was sitting around the apartment, or stealing my number from Raph, which infuriated Raph, to ask if he could come over to play video games with me so I wouldn't have to be alone while Raphael was "grounded." I had actually almost beaten him at Street Fighter II, but he might have been going easy on me.

Donatello acted like he was tip toeing on eggshells, which was extremely irritating, but he was extremely sympathetic. Occasionally, he would come over with Mike and insist on checking vitals and making me take mood surveys. Don insisted he did this with the others, but Mikey told me one day when Don didn't come that Donnie had researched monitoring suicidal patients right after he found out what happened.

On the other extreme, I couldn't even make eye contact with Leo without being glared at. He wouldn't speak to me and avoided conversation involving me as much as he could. It was reported that this increased the scuffles between him and Raphael, and even April had snapped at him multiple times for this obvious shunning, but it had yet to change. Mike told me it wasn't my fault, that it had nothing to do with the actual incident and more to do with being seen at fault with putting Raph in danger from being out in daylight. Don had glared at Mikey when he said this, because tip toeing and all, but Mikey argued that I should know Leo wasn't as shitty as being mad at me for being suicidal. Don accepted this by countering that Leonardo was still being shitty, but at least on an explainable level. Which was apparently normal for Leo based on their reaction to the situation. I had noted that it was to be expected that their "leading" brother would want to be careful given their special circumstances, but Donnie disagreed because Leo should know better than to blame someone else for, as he put it, "Raph's usual rash behavior."

As the five came in the door, April and I were greeted enthusiastically by a chorus of hellos by everyone but Leo, as expected. April ignored them in lue of her apartment search but managed to nod her head quickly. Mike and Don immediately came over to peak over April's shoulder and make comments to me about the apartments.

"Make sure you get a huge living room for parties and gaming!" Mikey pointed at one over April's shoulder that had just that. Way over my budget. April swatted his hand away without responding.

"But then you'd have to consider the higher costs for heating and cooling such a large area." Donnie shook his head as if this was an obvious consideration.

Raph walked over, leaving Casey in the kitchen with Leonardo. He handed me a beer with his own in his other hand. Donnie tried to snatch it from him, but missed as Raph swiped his hand away. Donatello admitted defeat by going into the kitchen for his own only to be caught by Leo in conversation.

"Make sure you get a window with enough light for yer plants." He commented as he took a sip. Mikey gave him a sappy grin, and Raph avoided eye contact in return. I actually hadn't considered my plethora of plants that I had in the windows of my den. My outside plants would have to be disregarded, sadly, but my indoor plants would come with the move.

"Ugh, so it has to face either east or west?" April frowned. "It's impossible to search by that. We'll just make them off when we see them."

"They don't need a lot of sunshine." I protested. "As long as they get a bit each day, they should be okay."

"Then we'll just determine that when we visit. Still impossible to search how much sunshine apartments get." My answer satisfied her enough. She went back to clicking silently.

Since April was no longer responding, I turned to Raphael who I actually had seen less than Mikey and Donnie the past couple days. "Are you still grounded?"

He shrugged and pushed Mikey out of his face who had been whispering at him excitedly. "From Splinter, no. But Leo won't get off my ass. He follows me around like some kind of guard."

"Leo's being a turd." Mike hissed at me. "And I don't know why Master Splinter hasn't called him on it yet. He doesn't hide it very well."

Raph sighed as if to say he agreed with Mikey, but before any of us could respond, Donnie was hanging over us with a Chinese takeout menu.

"Pick what you want." He said. "I'm calling in dinner."

I looked it over real quick as Michelangelo and Raph wrote down their orders on the notepad Don had handed them. I scratched down sesame chicken as Donnie turned to April.

"April, you want your usual?"

April didn't respond with anymore than a shrug making it obvious she hadn't really heard him.

"Okay, so the usual, and you're paying for everyone."

This did catch Aprils attention very quickly much to Donatello and Michelangelo's amusement. "Uhm, no, not again. Give me the usual and pay for your own meals."

"Of course, of course." Don hummed as he walked off to call the restaurant.

April turned to me and smiled with pride. "I think I've got enough to fill a days worth. I'm not busy tomorrow, so why don't we go then? We can do breakfast before seeing some, then lunch, and then see the rest!"

It sounded exhausting to me dealing with that many managers trying to sell me an apartment, but I knew she had put in all the work for me on finding the actual apartments. "Sure, we'll go tomorrow then."


	13. Chapter 13

**WARNING: Suicide discussed in this chapter.**

 _Ughhhhh this is really started to take off for me, emotionally. I'm getting so into it. Shit. Goodbye thesis, hello fanfiction. ENJOY!_

* * *

I could feel my brain twitching the entire day I moved. Watching all my stuff leaving my house. Watching strange men pack it away in a truck. Watching them carry it up unfamiliar stairs in an unfamiliar building to an unfamiliar apartment. April didn't even really notice my sharp state of agitation as she bounced around coordinating the moving process. Took over really. The moving men thought they were moving her in.

It wasn't that I didn't like the apartment I was moving into, in fact the simple one bedroom was quite nice and had a small bit of a view, mostly of the surrounding buildings, not Time Square. I would never be Jeff fucking Bezos. But maybe I could fuck Jeff Bezos. That's more likely than getting rich enough to live with a view of Time Square. Anyways, my problem wasn't moving into the city; my problem was watching everything change so fast. I had just been living in that house a week ago. It didn't quite process for the week I stayed at April and Casey's while waiting for all the credit checks and what not to go through for the lease. It felt more like a vacation. But, now, watching these strangers carry everything up stairs with April excitedly giving commands, I found myself anxiously pressing my new key into the palm of my hand causing a sharp sensation to bring me back.

April had already been asking if I had a realtor for my old house on the way over. I wasn't sure I wanted to sell. What if I wanted to go back one day? Part of me knew I wouldn't, but the other part just wanted that piece of stability sitting all the way back in the country.

"Karen!" April called down the hall. I blinked, realizing I had been zoned out right outside the elevator. "Karen! Come tell them where you want the couch or I'll end up designing your entire apartment!"

I was surprised she hadn't already done just that. It didn't seem like the moving men even questioned which one of us was moving in. I walked down to my apartment to see April already starting to direct them on where my bedroom furniture went. I could feel my entire body become tenser despite the fact that I felt like I was already at my limit. Maybe letting April set it all up wasn't so bad. It would be done for me and leave me to unwind before unpacking the small stuff. I walked over to April. "Do you want a coffee? I saw a Starbucks down the street, I could grab a carton for the movers and something for us."

Considering it was still ten in the morning and neither of us had had breakfast, I wasn't surprised by her immediate acceptance of the idea. "Oh wonderful! I'll have a cold brew with cream and sugar and vanilla syrup. Oh! And a cheese danish. I am starving."

"Large or medium on that coffee?"

"Large. Well. It's called venti there."

"I know that, I've been to Starbucks."

"Well, I - Oh! Yes, that will go right over there in the corner!" As a mover called April over, she immediately bounced back into the bedroom - I guess my bedroom - to instruct him. I took that moment to get out as two men carried the couch in, cramping the space for me. I excused myself as I slipped between one of them and the door.

I took a deep breath, letting it audibly release from my mouth once the elevator doors had closed. I could feel myself physically relax a bit as I leaned against the wall, watch the floors decrease with a sharp beep each time. I pulled out my phone and called Raph. Maybe talking to him would help too.

He picked up on the second ring. "Hey, how's the move in going?"

I could hear Leo yelling something about training in the background to which Raph immediately responded to with a "fuck off." As the yelling and laughing faded away hinting that Raphael was going somewhere quieter than with his brothers. I was right though, hearing his voice caused me to immediately loosen up a bit more. I stood up straight, no longer feeling the need to force myself to relax against the wall. "It's going alright. Stressful. April is basically taking over so I went to get Starbucks. And called you. I'm in the elevator."

He laughed softly. I could hear a slight echo to his voice. "That sounds like April. At least it gave you a chance to sneak out. You should get me one of them morning rolls. I'm not a coffee person, but I really like those morning rolls."

"You're not here though!" I snapped back with a smirk.

"I know, I'm joking!" I was going to get it anyways now that he told me he liked it. "I do plan on dropping by later. Help out a bit if I can. Take some stress off. Moving is never fun."

"It's not." I sighed. I could feel a surge of excitement when he mentioned dropping by. It embarrassed me. The elevator chimed, and I stepped out into the lobby. I made sure to smile and nod at the lady gathering the trash by the door.

"I'll probably drop by around eight if that's okay."

"I thought Leo was still making you stay around." I added verbal quotations around stay. I pushed out the door and started down the sidewalk. It wasn't too too crowded on this street. Then again, it was a bit from the center of the city, and mostly residential around the area.

I heard an echoing ping and an annoyed click. "Oh, he is. But what the hell. I'm not a fucking child. Leo can piss his pants if he wants."

I laughed at that as jogged a bit to catch up to the flashing hand at the crosswalk. "How rude."

"He's the one being a big piss baby." Raph grunted obviously angry. "It wasn't like I got caught at the hospital."

His last word dropped off a bit with a sting of awkwardness. If I brought it up, it got laughed off, but he avoided it like the plague. I knew he still cared and was desperate to make sure I was getting better, but he also got visibly upset when the conversation wouldn't get dropped. It wasn't that I was trying to normalize what I did, but I felt like I would get better if I became comfortable with it. Like having a cold or a flu. It always hurt a bit when he avoided it. But that wasn't a conversation I wanted to have as I walked into the Starbucks. "Hey, don't mean to cut you off, but I'm here. I'll call you back when I'm walking back?"

"No." His voice was suddenly stiff and forced. I felt my chest tighten. "I'll - uh - I'll see you tonight. You'll probably have your hands full."

"Oh." I couldn't say it didn't hurt. But he was probably right. I just wanted to talk. "Alright. I'll see you then."

"Bye." He hung up, but not before I heard a soft sniffle. I was still a bit hurt so I brushed it off, and scrolled around on my phone aimlessly while waiting in line.

I managed to get in and out within twenty minutes, and was soon walking down the street balancing a large container of black coffee, a tray holding April's and my drinks as well as a cup of cream for the black coffee, and a bag with a cheese danish and the morning roll with a dozen sugar packs thrown in. Even if he had wanted me to call back, I definitely couldn't at this point.

It was only a five minute walk back, but considering how many times I stopped and rebalanced everything, it felt like much longer. I could feel the bag of food slipping from my fingers by the time I reached the door which was, thankfully, still propped open.

I was right about April getting everything in order. By the time I was back, the moving men were finishing up piling the boxes into the rooms they were labeled as. All the furniture was in placed only leaving cardboard boxes neatly stacked in each area. One the men smiled when he noticed the jug in my hand.

"I - uh- figured you guys might want some coffee, so I grabbed some for everyone." I explained shyly while placing the jug up on the counter. I realized that to them, I had probably just vanished without helping. It made me feel guilty. Then I went a bit hollow. I used to try and command spaces like this. Stay respected. But now I was quick to become timid out of politeness. I hoped it was just the temporary stress from the move.

"Is that the coffee?" I could hear April's voice echoing in the bathroom. She quickly bounced out of the bedroom.

"Yeah, here's your coffee, there's some creamer for the black coffee, and here's your danish." I started to reach into the bag before April started to grab it which caused me to pull it back quickly, suddenly embarrassed. "Oh, no, there's something else in there. I was just getting yours out."

"Ah, sorry, figures you'd be hungry too." April smiled apologetically as I handed her the danish. "I've been kind of a control freak today. About your apartment."

I set out the spare cups and stepped back so the moving men could have some coffee. I ignored her comment about me being hungry. Why was I so embarrassed? I got Raph something he liked. Big deal. "Actually, it's been really helpful. It's really stressful moving, so I appreciate you doing this."

"Of course!" April beamed. "We're friends. And it's...fun for me. A bit."

I laughed and sipped my iced coffee. "A bit?"

We chatted as April showed me how she set up everything. I felt my tenseness ease away. Everything was set up. I didn't have to decide on anything. Except for decorating I supposed. She had even put my plants up in the window sill where they sat basking in the current sunlight easing into room. It was already to starting to feel like a home.

April stayed and helped me put some stuff away for a good few hours before she left to get back home to Casey who would apparently trash the place trying to make dinner if she didn't show up. I thanked her again as she left and checked the time. Raph would be there in about two hours. I yawned and felt a burning in my eyes that was overriding my empty stomach. I sat down on the couch and stretched out, counting the number of boxes in my line of vision. Too many. Later. For now, I just wanted to close my eyes.

* * *

Who was that doing that tapping? How annoying. I cracked my eyes and noticed the darkness outside my window. Shit. What time was it? My dreamless nap felt like it never happened. Loud tapping. My heart stopped. Someone's at my window.

"Karen!" I heard Raphael say from behind the glass. I relaxed. Right. I could still feel my adrenaline rushing. I stood up too fast and almost tripped on the coffee table. Stumbling over to the window, I opened it.

"Careful with the flowers." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. He was already moving one aside to step in. "Sorry, I fell asleep. It's been a long day."

"It's okay. I was just worried when I saw you out on the couch." Again, he dropped the last couple words quietly and went silent. He awkwardly looked around the apartment, avoiding eye contact. "I - uh - like the set up."

I frowned with irritation. "Raph."

"The flowers look nice in the window. Do they get enough light?" No eye contact.

"Raph."

"You still got boxes out, do you want help wi-"

"RAPH!" I grabbed his arm as he tried to walk towards a stack of boxes. He finally looked at me with surprise. "You can't keep getting weird everytime my overdose gets brought up."

He flinched at the words and looked away. His arm went limp in my hand. He shook his head at the ground.

"You got to let me talk about it. I'm trying to work through it, okay?"

Raph mumbled something inaudible, rubbing a plant leaf between his fingers.

"What?"

He hesitated, growing tense. "I'm….working through it too."

I blinked as he pulled his arm out of my hand and turned away from me furling his hands. Fucking idiot. Selfish fucking idiot. How could I forget. April had told me Raph had been a mess after finding me. Hell, he risked being out in daylight out of worry. I hadn't even tried to think about the impact it had on him. "I'm sorry."

I reached out for Raphael's arm again, but he moved away. Not out of rejection, he just didn't notice. He started pacing around the living area. His arms were crossed and he stared at the ground as he pittered around the stacks of boxes. "You wouldn't wake up."

I knew that. I knew what had happened to me. But hearing him say it made my chest run cold. I felt my hand grasp the couch and curled my fingers into it.

"I - I kept trying to wake you up." He started holding his hands up, gesturing with his words. "But you wouldn't. I'm n-not a doctor or shit. Were you dead? Hell if I knew."

As he stumbled through his words, I realized he started crying. My mouth curled into a stiff frown as my eyes blurred over. I reached out my hand and beckoned for his. He softly padded over and placed his hand in mine. It felt rough and large as I squeezed it. I choked on my tears as I said, "I'm sorry."

Raph placed his other hand on my shoulder and pulled me closer resting his chin on top of my head. He gently rubbed my shoulder, and even though I was crying, I could still feel his breath breaking with tears. "I just wish...that I had noticed."

I laughed lightly with a small smile. "I do a good job of hiding it."

"Well, stop it." He rubbed his chin into my head making me wince.

"Then let me talk about it. And you talk about it too." I muttered, patting the arm that was still on my shoulder.

I watched his plastron heave with a sigh that was still a bit broken. "Fine."

"Hey, I did hold up my promise to move here." I frowned, lightly pinching his arm. He pulled away and smirked at me.

"I guess you did."

"And!" I slipped past him going towards the kitchen. I grabbed the small paper bag and held it up to him. "I got that morning roll."

Raph laughed and walked over with his hand out. "You didn't."

"I did!" I pulled away just out of his grasp. "But you have to promise to come around. It's not like I have a job anymore. I'll be bored."

"I can make that deal." He sneered and snatched the bag before I noticed him even going for it. "For more morning rolls."


	14. Chapter 14

"Thanks for the help." I groaned as I set myself down into the couch, rubbing my back. Turned out, standing and lifting plates into cupboards was not good for the spine. Surprise surprise.

Raph tapped the top of my head with a water bottle. I took it from him and swigged some down. "It's the least I could do."

He sat next to me, stretching out. My apartment was pretty much completely organized. Dishes put up. Decorations in place. Bed made. Clothes hung. I finally felt myself physically relax.

"Do you feel better than you did this morning?" He asked noticing me slump into the couch visibly.

I nodded, drinking more water. "It's nice to know everything is put away. I don't have to spend days putting things away like the last time I moved. It's stressful. Seeing all your stuff splattered around in boxes."

"Mmmm." He leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. Which was closer than it was in my house. That's apartment living. I guess. "When was the last time you moved?"

I squeezed my bottle. There was no use trying to run from any of my shit anymore. It was like this glass bottle I had spent so long filling up and hiding had finally cracked and spilled out. There was no salvaging it anymore. And maybe it was better that way. I'd find out. "Almost four years ago. When I got that house. It was cheap and secluded. Everything I wanted at the time."

He laughed. "You were a picky one."

"Yeah, yeah." I smirked. I had been so desperate to get away when I bought that house, it seemed like a dream come true to find one like that. "It had a racoon in the attic! Who could pass that up! He even hissed at night for you."

Raph and I were cracking up as I described this fucking racoon. It had taken me a month to get him out of the house. Couldn't afford pest control. Couldn't bring myself to kill it. So I just knocked him out one day with a broom and drove him an hour out and dumped him in a nice little forest. And drove back.

"You drove an hour to get rid of a racoon?" He was close to crying with laughter at this point.

"I tried a mile away and he came back! I had already given the trap back to the farmer who let me borrow it. I couldn't ask for it back. So I drove him really really far." The farmer had been a nice little old lady who I befriended at the farmers market. She sold really good honey and used the traps when animals got too interested. She had a stroke a few months later and her family convinced her to come live with them and abandon her bee farm. Tried to sell me the bee farm for dirt cheap, but I wouldn't know what to do with it. What if I killed her bees?

"I feel like Don wants to do that with Mikey's cat sometimes." Raph was still catching his breath. He laughed between breaths. "Klunk knocks stuff on Donnie's desk and it drives him insane. I think the cat does that on purpose, I swear. He knows Mike would never let him get thrown out."

"Aw, I didn't know Mikey had a cat." I missed having a cat. A little buddy sleeping in your window. Jumping off your shit. Yelling at night.

Raph pulled out his phone and started scrolling through it. "Yeaaaah, here. He's a little turd, but he's sweet enough."

He showed me a picture of Klunk curled up asleep on a patched up couch. The orange furball was adorable.

"Wait, do you take pictures of the cat?" I laughed, snatching his phone and scrolling around. Sure enough, there were ten other pictures of Klunk in the same position and one yawning.

"No! Give it back!" He reached over me, but I ducked, continuing to scroll through nothing but pictures of of Klunk. Occasionally, there would be night picture of the city or his bike being worked on, but otherwise, only Klunk.

I jumped off the couch and ran behind the counter separating the den from the kitchen. "You do! That's all you got!"

Raphael ran over and snatched the phone glaring at me. "I got some of my bike too!"

"You love the cat." I grinned, meeting his stare.

"I like cats in general." He shrugged, his cheeks darkening.

I turned to the fridge, pulling out another water bottle. "I can't blame you, they're cute little bastards. Maybe I should get one."

"You should." He motioned to the fridge so I handed him a water too. "Have someone in the apartment with you."

"I thought you'd be around." I teased.

He rolled his eyes at me and went back over the couch. "I can't be here all the time."

"I know, I know." I sat back down next to him. "Want to watch the television find all the channels I get for free?"

"You ain't got cable?" He eyed me.

I found the television remote and turned it on, going straight to the settings. "Nah, that's expensive."

"I'll get Don to get you some for free."

"Isn't that illegal?"

"I think we do enough good work to warrant some free cable. Don't tell Leo though. He thinks we pay a cable bill."

I laughed. "A bit of a goodie two shoes?"

"Depends on what your asking about." He chuckled. "I'm gonna use the bathroom."

"Okay." He got up and left while I watched the TV file through my channels.

* * *

Raph was gone for a while. The television was long done with finding my thirty some channels. Did my cold leftover pizza give him the shits?

I got up and started to walk over to my room. The second I stood, I could hear shuffling coming from my room. He was starting to put a shoebox back on top of a final box I hadn't wanted to touch yet. For. Reasons. I felt my heart drop as our eyes locked.

"I- uh- didn't mean-"

"You didn't mean to dig through my shit? It just fell into your hands?" I narrowed my eyes. The rising tightness in my chest was making it hard to be angry. "Did you even have to use the bathroom?"

"Yeah!" He stood up, his voice wavering. "But, I kicked the box, and the shoebox fell over. Some stuff fell out...and...I looked through it."

"You didn't have to." I felt myself pulling at the edges of my shirt.

He looked at the floor. "No…I'm sorry."

I walked past him, picking up the shoebox and looking it over. I didn't want to open it. But. I did. I started to crack it open, but then slammed the lid back down. I felt Raph's hand on my arm.

"You don't have to if you're not ready."

"I'll never be ready." I breathed out forcefully before ripping the lid off and tossing it on my bed. My eyes met my own. Sparkling. Jason also smiled at me as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. My veil waving in the wind. I watched my fingers slide across the picture. "That's Jason."

"Yeah?" Raph squeezed my arm softly.

I moved the lid aside and sat down, never taking my eyes of the picture. He sat down beside me as I pulled the smooth print out and rubbed it between my fingers. "We got married in March. I was avidly against a summer wedding."

I felt myself smiling. I could feel the crisp air of that day. I could hear him laughing. I could smell the lavender. Right underneath the picture was a dried piece of lavender tied with a white ribbon. I sniffed it, it still smelled. It was faded and stale, but it was there. It covered up Lily, another picture.

"That's my cat." I grinned. It was sad. Seeing her. Seeing Jason. But. I was happy. I handed him the picture. "That's Lily."

"She's prettier than Klunk." He smiled softly at me.

I shrugged. "I'm biased to agree."

I continued shuffling through the contents. Showing them to Raphael and telling stories about them. There was more than I remembered. But he sat there, nodding and listening, encouraging. At the end, everything was laid out on my bed. Like memories. As they were. I felt my eyes getting wet.

"Thank you." I sniffled. He rubbed my shoulder. "It feels like I'm saying goodbye. After all these years."

Raph just nodded, not saying anything. I leaned against him, taking a breath that shook in my chest. I felt him move his arm to where his hand came around and held my other shoulder, bringing me closer. I closed my eyes, letting the tears come. He touched his mouth to the top of my head and I could feel his breath in my hair. It was. Comforting. I held his hand that was on my shoulder and relaxed further into him.

"It's not easy. Saying goodbye."

Neither of us moved.


	15. Chapter 15

_I know I'm always like "oooh, I'm going to be more consistent" and then I'm not. Turns out, life doesn't like me to be consistent with jack shit. So yay. Good news: I passed my thesis defense! I'm going to graduate! Hurray! Which means now I need to find a job. hurray._

 _Anyways! Enjoy, as always!_

* * *

I woke up to a buzzing that was rattling my desk. It was an instant wakefulness that makes you feel like you haven't actually been sleeping. The only indication of that was the passage of time on my clock. Five in the morning. The buzzing went off again. My work phone. It must have gotten turned on during the shuffling of belongings. I laid there. Staring at the clock. Watching the second hand make its rounds. Should I look?

I was so deep in thought that the sound of Raph snoring and rolling over made me jump a bit. I had forgotten he was there. We had fallen asleep telling stories. I hadn't wanted to be alone. The thought of him laying there made my chest burn. And that feeling made me embarrassed so I had to get up. I carefully stood up, trying not to stir the bed too badly, but I don't think it mattered based on the lack of change in snoring.

I walked over to my desk and dug the phone out of the drawer. A message popped up with the lock screen. An unknown number, as usual. I read the start of the message: "Please help. I don't know who else to…" An unsurprising start to a client's message.

I sighed. I wanted to put it down. I wasn't in the right place for this, even I knew that. But it was hard to turn down someone who wanted help so desperately. It was my usual clientele, desperate people. I stared at the lock screen message for who knows how long.

My stomach growled. Some toast was in order. I kept the phone in hand and walked over into the kitchen, Raphael's snores becoming distant. There was something. Comforting. About the noise. I never could stand Jason's snoring, but it was more high pitched. I usually moved to the couch if Jason's snores got bad enough. I pulled down the bread and popped a piece into the toaster. My hand stayed on the phone.

Instead of pulling out the butter, I found myself pulling up the message. I should have made sure it stayed off. Or thrown it out. Being unsure made it easier to quit. But knowing that someone needed help and had reached out to me brought an overwhelming sense of guilt.

"Please Help. I don't know who else to reach out to. I received your information from an old client of yours. I think my wife is poisoning me. Everyone I talk to thinks I'm just paranoid because she's so highly regarded and I'm just around. If anyone should murder anyone in this situation, they think it should be me trying to get her money. But I know she's cheating on me, I caught them. It's not like I can do anything about it, but if it goes public that she's having an affair, she'll be ruined. If I'm out of the way, there will be know one to leak the relationship and she can be with him. I don't want her dead, please don't think that. I don't think I could live with it knowing I had her killed even if she is slowly killing me. Violence begets violence, isn't that what they say? I just want to stage my death. No one will die, she can be rid of me, and I can be free. Based on what I've heard of your work, I feel like you might be able to help make my death look real. I really need your help. Please."

Well. That didn't sound so bad. I mean. I wasn't killing anyone. So was it really a hit? No. Plus! I was helping someone out. And the money would, of course, only be an added bonus. Again, my deep thought made me jump this time at the toast popping up. Before I touched it, I messaged back.

"I think I can help you. I need more details on your location and what kind of death you would like to fake. Ideally, you're going to want one where it wouldn't be too far fetched for your entire body to disappear. To avoid suspicion of you being a missing person rather than a dead one. Let me know."

I put the phone in my pocket, finally turning my attention to my toast. Buttered and warm, I sat on the couch and channel surfed through the shit that is early morning television. Finding nothing, I turned it off and enjoyed my toast in silence. Until my phone buzzed again. I got excited. Maybe it was just the idea of having something to do. Or maybe. I missed this.

"What about an explosive car crash? We have a lot of fancy cars. Or. She has a lot of fancy cars. I'm located in Canada. Hamilton in Ontario. Is that an issue? I can certainly add travel to the payment."

The car crash wasn't a bad idea, actually. People already thought he was paranoid and acting oddly. It wouldn't be odd for a paranoid, possibly depressed person to behave more erratically by, say, taking a car for a fast ride gone wrong.

Also, maybe I could visit Niagara Falls while I was around the area. I wasn't so far away from it, yet I had never gone. Travel definitely wasn't a problem. I let him know as much and asked for dates. I quickly went back and added my basic quote for an easy job since his would most certainly be rather simple.

I heard Raphael stirring. I instinctively slipped the phone under a pillow. Why did I need to hide it? I frowned at myself. It wasn't like it was a hit. Now that I thought about it, this was the second odd job in a row. First Vanessa and now this guy. I needed to find a real job if I was actually going to stop.

"Mornin." Raph grumbled, shuffling out of the bedroom. "You're up early."

"I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Got hungry. Made some toast." I shrugged. "You're not too far behind."

"Mmm." He yawned as he continued shuffling to the kitchen. "Hope it wasn't my snorin. Everyone always bitches about it."

"Not really. I think I was tired enough that it didn't matter." I said through a mouthful of toast. "I don't have any actual groceries yet. So there's bread or instant oatmeal. Take your pick."

"I don't eat slop. So toast it is."

I felt my phone buzz under the pillow, and tried to talk over it. Fuck. Was I actually going to hide this? "Have you ever been to Niagara Falls?"

He swerved at me. "Do I look like I've ever been to Niagara Falls?"

I couldn't help but laugh at him. "I mean, you went to South America with me. Is it that far fetched you might have traveled a couple hours from here?"

"Guess not. But, no, I'ven't been. Why?"

"Just thought it'd be a fun trip to take sometime. I've never been either."

He hummed as he grabbed his toast, eating it plain. "It would be. Not like you have a job to take vacation from either. Bum."

I sneered at him. "I'm working on it!"

"Yeah! Name one time you've looked at jobs around here?"

He wasn't wrong. I hadn't even thought to look around. How did you do that? There were so many new websites and shit for jobs that weren't around the last time I was interviewing for real jobs. I wouldn't know where to start. My chest actually went tight as I thought about it.

Raph seemed to notice. "No rush though. I'm just teasin."

We ate in silence for a bit while I continued to ponder job searches with an unhealthy dose of anxiety.

"A trip would be fun." He mused after a bit. "When would we go?"

Fuck, I didn't have an answer for that yet. Nor was I sure I wanted him with me considering what I was actually doing. "I don't know. It was just a thought."

"Hmm." He went back to crunching toast in silence.

I realized that if he went, it would just be the two of us. On a trip. Overnight. Together. I felt my chest burn again. And got a bit pissed with myself. What was so different from last time? We had been on a trip together before. Just because it wasn't work didn't mean it was that different. What had changed? I think part of me knew what had changed, but the other part of me was so far in denial it was oblivious.

"Your face is red." Raphael commented curiously. "What're you thinking about?"

"Nothing!" It instantly flew out of my mouth and whatever burning sensation in my face that I was unaware of only became worse. "I need to shower."

I jumped off the couch, leaving my toast napkin behind and quickly swung into my room and shut the door. I mean, I did actually need to shower. It wasn't a complete lie. Getting undressed only made my embarrassment worse. I was alone, in my bathroom, and was still beet red. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I couldn't deny this anymore. Not to myself at least. Fuck. I hadn't had a crush in years. Years. Many many years. Maybe it was fun when I was a teenager and oblivious to my antics and terrible flirting. But as a self aware adult, this was just humiliating.

So I did the only thing I could think and just took a shower. And thought about the new job. The only other thing that got me excited but also not antsy and red and whatevernot.

Ifelt better by the time I was clean, fresh, and dressed. I walked back out to the den with a towel draped over my head. Seeing Raphael with my phone in his hand took the nice warm feeling away.

"I thought you were done with jobs." He glanced over at me. "Is this why you brought up Niagara Falls?"

"Would you stop going through my goddamn shit!" I snatched the phone from his hand.

"Stop leaving your shit around so obviously!" He snapped back. "I didn't even open it! Just saw what was on the lock screen!"

I knew that. I knew I had just left it out. But if I apologized, I had to admit that maybe I was to blame for him so easily seeing everything I had hid so badly. Maybe it was badly hidden on purpose. But. I was also just too tired to fight.

"Yeah. It's not - it's not a hit though." I sighed. I walked over at sat down beside him on the couch. "It's a death staging. Someone wants out of their marriage, and wants to do it by staging his own death. No killing."

Raph looked at me for a bit then sighed. "I mean, I guess it's not killing. But still, I thought you were going to stop this."

"I was!" I looked up at him. "I really was, but I heard my phone go off and I felt bad. And it was different. I just. Wanted to help one last person."

"I can't really argue with that." He leaned over on me. "So Niagara Falls, huh?"

"The jobs in Hamilton, which is close. But I thought it'd be nice to see it while I was in the area." I looked at the message. He wanted it done within the next week. Not like I had anything else to do. "I know you saw the dates. What'd you think?"

"Hmm." Raphael grinned. "I don't know. I'm a busy guy. Gotta clear some things out of my schedule."

"So it's a plan, we'll leave tomorrow." I smirked. I sent a quick message to the client telling him that I would meet him in two days. "We can spend a day at the falls. You need to go home and pack."

"Eh, a little late for that." Raph nodded at the sunlight streaming into the window. "I'm stuck here for now."

"A movie then?" I said grabbing the television remote.

"Fine, I got nothing better to do." He smirked at me.

I do not like having crushes.


	16. Chapter 16

The next evening, I was packing a bag for the trip. Raph had gone back home to pack too. Even though it was closer than Venezuela, I found myself feeling like I wasn't prepared looking at my current load. I didn't plan on being gone for more than a few days. I looked around my new bedroom. Everything felt. Different. Not just the apartment. The world felt off. Was that bad? Was it good? I rubbed the bridge of my nose.

I wandered into the kitchen. I itched for something to eat. Not hunger. Just the need to eat. My fridge was still scarce. And what was the point of buying food when I was about to leave? I ended up with chips on a paper towel.

I stood in the window, watching. Just watching people wander around. They weren't wandering, they knew where they were going. I just didn't know where they were going. Or where I was going. Just where these chips were going. Crunch.

I looked at my plants, currently lining my window sill. I wanted a shelf for them. I touched a leaf that had gone limp. I needed someone to water them. April might be up for it. But then she'd ask questions. I just moved in. And now I was going away?

I frowned. I was realizing just how tricky this was going to be now. With people concerned about my well being and whatever. They would ask questions. Where, why, when… I suddenly felt my chest going tight. Shit. Why was I so stressed about what they would think? I had been doing this for a few years without a second thought about anyone else. Raph knew. But no one else did. I'd like it to stay like that. But I got closer with everyone, how long could I keep that up?

How could I keep this up? How long could I keep secrets? Below, a woman was yelling at another woman holding a baby. The first one turned and left with a burning trail leaving the second to stare after her. Would I be left? All alone. I looked around realizing how deep I was. How involved they were. I had just moved to an entirely new place because of them. If it fell apart, where did that leave me?

I breathed out. I still had the house. I didn't have to sell it. I could use the money to pay property tax. Maybe go out there, keep it trimmed. And when the time came, I could go back. And pretend none of this happened. This brought me immediate comfort but caused a tiny crack to start. It would spread, and it would always be there.

There was a voice in my head. _It might happen sooner than you think. It could happen at any time. He just has to open his mouth._

I trusted him. But I didn't. Then did I really trust him? I felt a crushing in my hand that woke me up. I had broken all of my chips. I stared at them, broken on the paper towel. My chest went tight again.

 _Breathe. Breathe. Just. Don't think about it._ I stood there with my eyes closed and the chips in my hand.

I wasn't sure how much time passed when I finally wandered back into the kitchen and tossed the chips. But I had heard my phone buzzing. It was probably the client. Never give them a name. If it fails, I wasn't attached. I grabbed my phone off the counter and saw two missed calls from an unknown number. A text popped up as I unlocked it.

 _"It's Leonardo. We need to talk. I'm coming over."_

I scrunched my brow. Talk about what? We had had two conversations. My chill came rushing back with the thought that he had figured it all out. I tried logical thought. This was probably a call back. Raphael's been spending too much time out for Leo's liking. He still didn't trust me. I wondered if Raph had told him where he was today.

I texted back.

 _"Okay."_

I didn't bother to tell him my address. I figured he'd ask if he didn't know. Question was, how fast could he get here. I turned back to my room.

I jumped at a rattling at the window. He was already there, scowling through the window. I held back an urge to roll my eyes. Jesus. Was he already there when he texted me? I walked over and opened the window.

"What do-"

"He's not going with you." He let himself in. I would've invited him in. But it felt like he wanted to impose. To be in charge.

"What?" The cold feeling was everywhere. My heart was out of place. Everything was wrong. I caught the back of the couch with my hand.

He swiped out his katanas. "Don't. Don't pull some shit."

I looked at him, too gone to even be confused.

"No guns. No, whatever else. Just. Don't."

I looked down at my hand, shaking my head. "I'm not-"

"I don't trust you. I'm not going to. He's not going with you. You think I wasn't about to keep tabs on you?"

I shook my head again. What could I say? What could I do?

"I won't lie, you seemed okay at first. But after your little...stunt, I got intel on you. I know what you do. We don't deal with people like that. And you're certainly not getting my family involved."

I stared at the floor. I had to make a shit. What is it about fear that makes you have to shit?

I heard him put the katanas away. Did I look defenseless now?

"Do you have any response?"

I closed my eyes, thinking. "I promised her I wouldn't do it anymore."

"Who?"

"Vanessa. In Venezuela. She made me promise."

"Then what are you doing going to Canada?"

"Helping. It's not. It's not a hit."

Leo snorted. And repeated my words. "A hit."

"Faking a death." I muttered.

There was a moment of silence. I didn't realize I was shaking till Leo took my arm and sat me on the couch.

"Look." He rubbed his head. "I still don't trust you. Just. I don't. Okay? But. I know you've been through a lot. I convinced Don to find some things. It wasn't as hard to find as you'd think."

I rubbed my hands together roughly. It was ironic. I almost smiled. It came apart so much faster than I expected.

"He's not going with you."

I nodded vaguely.

"I can't stop you from seeing them. April likes you. Raph likes you. Everyone likes you. Donatello was arguing with me when I left to come over here. Even after he saw all of it. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone else had the same reaction. And I'm assuming Raphael already knows."

I looked up. I must have looked surprised because Leo frowned at me with confusion.

"What?"

My vision blurred a bit, and I looked down at my hands. "It's just...I was thinking earlier. How long I had. Before they found out. And left."

He snorted again. "I'll admit Raph's loyal to a fault, but it's not like everyone else is flakey. We've had our fair share of questionable acquaintances. As I'm sure you can imagine."

Was he comforting me now? I wiped my eyes with my hand.

"I need reasons to trust people. It doesn't just happen, and I've been told I'm a bit...particular." Leo narrowed his eyes at me. "Hasn't hurt me yet, and it's helped a few times. So I'll err on the side of caution."

He stood up, looking down at me. Less imposing than before, but still in charge. I sat still.

"I need reasons to trust you. It's just the way it's going to be."

And with that, he left.


	17. Chapter 17

I was still sitting on the couch when Raphael tapped on my window. I wasn't packed. I had my phone in my hand, trying to figure out how to cancel the job. To let this guy live with his abusive wife forever. Abandoning him. Raph tapped again.

"It's open." I said loudly. He slid it open and came over to me. "Leo came by."

"I know." He snapped, not at me. He sounded out of breath and cold with anger as if the initial fire had burnt out in a fight. "They all know. Leo was a bitch and Don was a dog doing whatever was asked of him"

"What Leo said was true though. They have reasons to know, to not trust me."

"I figured thinking you worked for government and occasionally had to kill people would be enough for them."

I glared at him. "So you were okay with them believing a lie?"

"If it was what you wanted, sure." He looked at me, surprised at my lashing. "You acted like you didn't want anyone to know you were a hitman."

I rubbed my eyes. "You're right. I didn't. It's just...I dragged you into it. The lying."

"Is it lying if I just didn't tell them?" He sat down beside me. He placed his hand on my back and rubbed in small circles. I'd be telling a damn lie if I said it wasn't the nicest thing I'd felt all day. The first thing that had brought me comfort. "Everyone has things they don't tell people."

"It's just…" I physically struggled to get the words out, leaning into his hand on my back for support. "I can't blame him...for not trusting me."

"Leo doesn't even trust his own family. Mostly me. Bastard's got some serious trust issues." Raph laughed bitterly. He sighed, his fingers pressing into me. "I trust you. Is that worth anything?"

I shifted closer to him, leaning my body into him with my head on his shoulder. His hand came back to rest on my waist with just enough pressure to take the space between us away. "It means everything."

"I'm glad." I felt Raphael's breath in my hair. I felt my face flush instantly with excitement. My pulse responded in turn. I couldn't tell if he noticed, but I felt like he did with the way he nuzzled my hair. "...Karen?"

"Hm?" I closed my eyes almost feeling comfortable within the embarrassment.

"You haven't packed, have you?" I could tell he already knew, it was a question for explanation. He still made no move from holding me.

I sighed and pulled away so I could see him. "I don't think I should do this."

"Just because of what Leo said? Forget what he said. I'm still going." He grabbed my hand, staring me down with a look that was earnest and intense.

I shook my head. "It's just." I bit my lip. "When Leo came over. I lost it. Emotionally. And I don't think. I could handle this."

It's like I could feel the anger rippling off of him in waves. "What the fuck did that little bitch say to you!" He started to stand up, but I grabbed his arm.

"It wasn't what he said! Sit back down." I guided him back into the couch. "I just couldn't handle it. The thought of losing everyone. Especially you."

"You won't lose me in Canada." Raph snorted with a smirk. "That'd be such a pathetic place to die in! Besides, it's not a hit, no one's actually in danger."

"It's not the danger. It's the thought of going back to everything that got me here. Including the...hospital." I studied him with the last word, watching his response. It was nothing but gentle. Raph reached out and put his fingers through my hair, stroking my head with his thumb.

"As long as it's your decision."

I nodded. "I feel guilty for leaving this guy. But I don't think I should do it."

"It's not your fault. What if you could recommend someone else?" He was still rubbing my head. I pressed further into his hand.

"I don't know anyone...but...I could give him a place to start." There were websites, that I didn't use, but had been recommended to me by clients to reach more people. I preferred word of mouth. It had worked well enough for me.

"Tell him something came up; you can't go. But here's some places he could look." I was looking down at my phone, already finding the website to send to him. Dark web shit. I started to text the potential client an apology along with instructions on where to start looking on the dark web.

I took a deep breath and hit send. Locking my phone immediately, I put it on the coffee table face down, moving Raph's hand out of my hair when I move. He hummed with dissatisfaction as my hair slipped from his fingers. As I sat back into the couch, I felt his cool hand against my cheek. Was it cool or just cool compared to my face? I couldn't hold back the sigh that came out instinctively as his hand slipped down to my shoulder. His hand faltered for a second at the sound. Ah, fuck it.

I looked over to find Raph's face three shades darker and his eyes studying my reactions to his touch. How would he react to mine? I grabbed the end of his mask that was falling over his shoulder and tugged at it. "Come here."

He looked almost puzzled as he leaned closer to me. I curved my other hand over his cheek and used it to tilt his head towards mine as I pressed my lips to his. Raphael jerked in surprise at first, but instantly melted into it, moving his hand back to my cheek. A groan emerged from his throat that almost sounded like a pur as he held my arm, keeping my hand against his face. The longer we kissed, the further the warmth spread. He pulled away with a heated sigh holding the edge of the pur. I could only let out a groan with a feeble attempt to pull him back in.

"Fuck." Raphael stared me down as he wiped the corner of my mouth with his thumb. He glanced up at my window, his face went back to its normal shade with the look of horror that hit him. "AH FUCK."

I jerked over, following his gaze. It was Michelangelo and Donatello, both smirking at us with little to no shame. Mike waved with great enthusiasm. Donnie yelled through the window, "Are we interrupting something!"

I would have found this hilarious if I wasn't embarrassed beyond belief. Raph stormed over to the window and pushed it open with such effort, I was almost afraid it'd break. "DO I EVER GET A BREAK?!"

"You got brothers, my dude, so no." Mike laughed as he let himself in. He started shoving his index fingers in Raph's face. "I knewwwww it."

"Get over yourself, we all knew it." Don shook his head as he stepped in. He looked around, ignoring Mikey's continued frantically excited gestures at Raph. "I like your place, Karen."

"Uhm. Thanks." I stammered, still stunned. Raph had started to swipe at Mikey, half playful, half furiously embarrassed. It didn't phase the youngest at all as his laughter continued.

Don turned to me, suddenly looking seriously. "I actually came here to apologize. For what Leo made me do."

"Leo didn't _make_ you do shit." Raphael hissed at him with a scowl, turning his attention away from Mikey who was still dancing around, grinning at him. "You chose to do it. You could've said no."

"Well." Donnie rubbed his hands together, sheepishly. "I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious myself. But I didn't know he was going to run off and confront Karen over it."

Raph grunted with irritation.

"It's not like we didn't know she dealt with...killing. But we thought it was government work. I got a lead that headed into the dark web and we found some people talking about her as a hitman. Nothing from Karen herself though." He looked at me curiously.

"I preferred word of mouth." I shrugged. I was still uncomfortable, talking about my work, but there was no getting around it anymore.

"Preferred." Mike repeated. "As in, not anymore?"

I shook my head. "No, not anymore."

"Because it made you depressed and that's why you overdosed?" Michelangelo said it with such a straight face I couldn't help but snort.

"Mikey!" Don snapped his head at him, eyes wide. Raph glared at him.

"It's...it's fine." I almost chuckled. Don was still walking on eggshells. "I mean, that didn't really help, but...well. I might as well tell you what happened in South America."

"I thought you did?" Donnie asked.

"Are you sure about this?" Raph sounded concerned. I couldn't blame him, but I felt a pang of irritation towards him. It was my choice. If I wasn't ready, I wouldn't talk about it.

"Yeah. I...lied. Because telling you the truth meant finding out I was a hitman." I smiled gently. "I'm sorry."

Don shrugged and sat on the couch. "It makes sense. I'm assuming this may take a bit."

Mike sat beside him. "So Raph didn't play with the kids?"

I laughed. "That actually wasn't a lie."

"I don't believe you." Mikey wrinkled his snout, smirking at Raph who groaned as he slumped into my arm chair.

So I told them what happened during our trip. The truth. And all of it. About there being no hit. About Vanessa. About the money she bribed me with. And about how I knew her.

Mikey looked like he wanted to cry when I was finished. "It must have been hard. Leaving everything behind."

"At the time." I sighed. "I thought staying was harder."

"How did your husband die?"

Now Raph reached out and swatted him. "You're going too far."

"I'm just curious!" Mike jerked away from him, bumping into Don. I noticed he hadn't reacted to the question at all.

"You know, don't you, Donnie?" I eyed him. Not angry, but not surprised either. If he could find the hitman material, he could find an obituary.

"Leo didn't see that. But. I saw news articles from your old town's local news. So yeah, I know."

Raph grunted. He almost looked jealous. I realized he was. He wanted to feel special, to be the only one I trusted. But he knew it was my choice.

"I'm. Not ready to talk about that one. If you don't mind." I looked at Mikey who nodded.

"It's okay." He smiled at me. "I probably wouldn't be either."

"Hey." Don suddenly interjected. "I haven't eaten today. Have you two had dinner?"

I realized it was now late at night, and I had not, in fact, eaten a thing. Other than my brooding chips earlier in the evening. "No, I haven't."

Raph shook his head. "Me either."

"I did!" Mikey smiled broadly. "But I could eat again."

"I know." Don elbowed him. "That's why I didn't ask you."

"I want pizza." Mike pulled out his phone. "There's a really good place down the street from here that delivers."

"I guess we're having pizza, then." Donatello shrugged at me as an apology. I shrugged back, I didn't mind.

* * *

It wasn't until the dark early morning that the three of them made their way back home. It was awkward, saying goodbye to Raph without being able to talk about what happened or what that meant. I was hoping it had meant something. It had to have. Having Mikey teasing with Donnie pitching in didn't help either.

I hadn't realized how tired I was until they left. My eyes burned. It was hard to fight off the urge to close them so I gave in after at least giving myself time to collapse on my bed. I didn't have time to adjust the blankets before I was out cold.

Hours later, I woke up groggy and stiff. I felt almost worse than I did when I fell asleep. It was just past noon according to my bedside clock. I slammed my hand around my covers for my phone before I realized it was still in the den. With a loud groan, I lurched myself out of my bed, stumbling into the living area. I grabbed it off the table and checked my messages. Nothing from the now ex-client; three messages from April.

" _Can you meet me at the coffee shop that's at the corner of your block at two?"_ At nine this morning.

" _Just let me know!"_ At ten.

" _Hey! I'm going to end up at your door at two instead if you don't let me know!"_ Five minutes ago.

I wasn't sure if I could take her last minute sarcastically so I quickly typed a response. " _No need to break down my door! I'll be there."_

That gave me a bit more than an hour to shower and change clothes. Plenty of time. I turned to get in the shower. April responded before I even reached the doorway to my room.

" _Awesome! :))) See you then!"_

Feeling no need to respond, I placed my phone down and carried on to the bathroom. I remembered exactly what had happened the night before while I was shampooing my hair. The giddy embarrassment hit me like a train. Then got worse when I realized that might be what April wanted to meet about. I wouldn't put it past Mikey to go and tell everyone in spite of any threats from Raph that came along with it.

I still hadn't talk to or heard from Raph today. Was he just as embarrassed? Did we need to talk about what had happened? I rubbed the shampoo in furiously with frustration. I hadn't dated anyone since before I married Jason. I didn't remember how any of this worked. I felt bad for assuming it, but I figured Raph hadn't dated anyone either, and also didn't know how this worked.

I stumbled through the rest of my shower and getting dressed. Burned my hand on the hair dryer. Never did that before. It was just. So. Distracting. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. I felt so stupid. But giddy. All at the same time.

It was only a few minutes until two when I finally finished getting ready. I grabbed my phone to text April. " _Heading down now. Be there soon."_

I took a minute to text Raphael. Someone had to make first contact. " _Do you want to talk later tonight? I'm about to meet April for coffee right now. I'll be free after that. Might be dark by the time she's done. Lol."_

He messaged back instantly. I was almost frustrated with the thought of him having his phone and not texting me. But, I realized, if he was acting anything like I was, he had probably been hanging over his phone deleting and retyping messages all day. " _Yeah. We were actually getting together for dinner. You should come. We can talk after?"_

I started to type back as I walked out the door, but he sent another message. " _Unless that'd be weird. You know. I can't lie, Mikey will probably be freaking the fuck out. Little punk."_

I locked the door and walked down the hall, smiling like a goddamn idiot. I adjusted my message and sent it. " _Can't be any worse than last night with them bursting in."_

I got in the elevator and pressed the button for the bottom floor as I read his message. Nearly unable to tear myself away from the screen. " _I could KILL them. MotherFUCKER."_

" _Brothers, right?"_

" _No! Little stalkers! Can't leave me alone for one goddamned second."_

Our banter continued until I walked in the door of the coffee shop. April hadn't texted back, but she had probably read the message and was waiting for me inside. I looked around the coffee shop, scanning the patrons for her. I made eye contact with a man in the corner. He stood up when he saw me. I went from warm and fuzzy to cold and stiff when I saw him. The walls were closing in. I clutched my shirt, unable to breathe. Peter.


End file.
